Pain – A Reflection

I thought I would write a reflection on my pain…Pain is unique to each person what is painful for one person is not necessarily painful for another person…I was remembering my own pain…My pain as a new single mother and how it was that I had postpartum depression after the birth of my son for five years…Pain is part of life that is just how life is…I was so depressed that I had no taste in my mouth so I would eat baloney sandwiches every day…I made myself eat not because I enjoyed eating…I took no joy in eating I had no comfort at all…My son was in foster care during that time…I was devastated I felt like I had no hope and I was fucking depressed at the bottom of a never ending barrel of depression…My friend Suzie and I were in Counseling and there were days I would talk to my friend Suzie and it was a good day for both of us if we showered…Yes there were days for me when taking a shower felt like I had accomplished something…I was so depressed during those days I was also in and out of psychiatric hospital for my moods and depression…Before leaving Sioux Falls South Dakota I realized I had healed from my pain when I was able to for the first time see pictures on the wall at hospital in color instead of black and white…I was told those pictures had been on the wall the whole time I was in and out of hospital…But all I saw was Black and White I suppose I was color blind…Due to severe depression…I was so poor then that I could not afford much for my son and I recall not being able to buy my little boy a toy truck due to not having much…I told my friend Suzie that I mentioned her in my blog…Suzie and her husband Jerry were the only ones in Sioux Falls who showed me true friendship true kindness…I include this short story here titled True Friendship which breaks barriers and raises awareness against the stigma that comes with mental illness…

…True Friendship…

I never had much and I never asked for much…My whole life I gave what I could to others only to realize that I was hated the whole time…I recently gave wealthy people free dog treats as an act of kindness…These rich bastards had no appreciation for the fact that I shared from what little I had…I have always been that way I have always shared from my want…These wealthy scumbag swine took what little I had to give and laughed about it…All I ever was to these creeps was a joke to be poked at and made fun of and while they did this to me a greater threat looms…My part time psychic line job was interfered with by ridiculous callers who are so miserable they had nothing better to do than bother me…A horrible miserable lout of a man went to great lengths to get my attention just so he could boast about his exploits and poke fun at me…These are sick and twisted miserable scumbags…Yet for some reason I live among this swine for what purpose I have no idea…Greedy manipulative spoiled rotten wealthy pieces of shit…The hatred I was shown will kill me and I suppose at the end of the day that is what they want my death…These assholes will be the death of me…My life has been nothing but misery and I have nothing left to live for neither do I have anything left to give…I just do not have the courage to kill myself…If I had the courage to kill myself I would be dead long ago…I want to be dead I welcome death I am jealous of the dead…I am jealous of those who died…I am already dead inside from years of abuse and hell on earth so what is a bullet to my head going to do to me I am already dead…I was talking to my son this evening and I told my son that I am sorry that he has not gotten to experience real family life…That I could not give my son real family life…I told my son that I remember family life that I recall happy days…Days when my parents and aunts and uncles and cousins would be gathered and the children would play and then we would gather around the fire place and listen to story telling…Stories from my Uncle John who smoked a big cigar were always fun to listen to because Uncle John was a very talented story teller…My parents and aunts and uncles would talk about everything under the son and there was lots of laughter and food and drink…My family were very happy despite serious problems…I remember visiting my grandparents on both sides of my family and staying over night at granny’s house in Leitrim…My grandma made the best Boxty…We were always very well fed and cared for…I told my son I am sorry I cannot give him what I had growing up…I told my son my family were never bored we played board games for hours on end and my favorite game to play was monopoly…We played hide and seek and Tip The Can…My childhood though painful was also in many respects a very happy childhood…I wish I could bring some of the joy some of the happiness of family life back to our world…I am afraid I cannot rebuild family life…I try to build and every time I try to build someone comes along to destroy me and what I try to build…I suppose I should just stop trying but somehow something in me a mystical drive keeps me going…I am tired I am very tired and I am sick and tired of being used and abused…I did a spiritual exercise this evening I walked the dog and this time I had it out with God himself…I called God the biggest asshole that ever existed…I told God to fuck off and give me death or show the world that there is a fucking God…I told God that I am grace I am pearls but that the swine I am among do not want grace or pearls and that my presence is no longer needed here…I had it out with God…I told God that I do not blame Lucifer that God allowed Lucifer to test mankind…It is not all Lucifer’s fault it is God’s fault…I had it out with God I told God to give me death…I told God that God refused me death far too many times now and that I will not be denied death this time…Either I am given death or God shows the world once more that there is a fucking God…God Damn it I am pissed and I am sick and tired of the bullshit I see around me…I threw out all of my perfumes that represent grace and pearls and such and I was going to shave my head…Very similar to what Sinead O’Connor did she shaved here head…I was going to do the same…These wretches do not want beauty or grace or pearls I have no use for beauty or perfumes…For some reason I could not get myself to use a scissors and chop off my hair…I dedicate this post to Sinead O’Connor because I understand Irish Pain…I am tired mankind is tired and if God himself does not act then I demand nothing less than Death…

Enjoy my song titled Stupid Love inspired by a song sung by Sinead O’Connor titled – Rebel Song…

…Stupid Love…

Thank you Sinead O’Connor – for my song titled Stupid Love…

…Rebel Song…

To understand my Irish Pain Listen to my latest song titled Swine…

…Swine…

To understand Irish Pain study Sinead O’Connor…

…Sinead O’Connor…

You know my parents never worried about infidelity they were always faithful to each other…My mother had a dance partner because my Dad could not dance due to his polio…My parents were so secure in the bond that neither one of my parents worried about infidelity…

Enjoy my most recent song titled Mystical Report…

…Mystical Report…

…………Namaste…………