The Record – Help – A Reflection

The Record and Help are two short reflections authored by Ilia Kramarik and found on page 103 of Ilia’s epic book of art and prose titled The Future Never Gives Up…To appreciate this reflection in it’s entirety you will have to purchase your own copy of Ilia’s book so that you can see Ilia’s adorable painting done at age five that accompanies Ilia’s short reflections…The featured image I choose for this reflection is a photo taken by my dear friend Anne Marie during our time in Ireland when we visited the Cosy Cottage located in Moville in County Donegal…In The Record Ilia writes…”Every word that you say is recorded by the universe.” and in Help Ilia writes…”Everything that happens and everything that is helps us mature.” — These are very profound reflections from the pen of a young boy…As the days pass I have many thoughts I want to share with my readers then life gets busy and I forget these thoughts…I will share what comes to me…As a writer I have learned not to get anxious when this happens it is also known as writers block…Yesterday and the day before I returned to this blog post to complete my reflection and normally I can get it done but these past two days by the time I sat down to write I was tired…I felt exhausted and could not think of a thing to say…This is normal and happens to the best of us…What I did was instead of fighting my writer’s block I simply rested and waited for the right moment to revisit my reflection and write…Today the moment has arrived and yes I still have many things to share with my readers…I learned that my dear friend Anne Marie has cancer so please join me in prayers for Anne Marie’s well being and healing as cancer is never pleasant…Anne Marie is an amazing woman and though we do not keep in touch these days Anne Marie has inspired me many times…Anne Marie is a story teller and singer and a devoted wife and mother…Anne Marie ran her own in home daycare for many years and I learned a lot from the stories Anne Marie would tell of her day care days…Words such as alienation of affection words that Anne Marie taught me about through her stories…Anne Marie and her husband of many years would return to Moville in County Donegal Ireland every year during the summer months so that Anne Marie could avoid the USA hot summer heat and enjoy her homeland…Anne Marie’s family are Scottish and her husband’s family are Irish…Anne Marie has a lovely head of red hair which is unique as there are less red heads in our world as time passes…I would like to dedicate this post to Anne Marie and the featured image in this reflection is at the cosy cottage in Moville Co. Donegal Ireland…For years I dreamed of visiting Moville because the place looked so artistic and romantic not in the sense of couples love romance but romantic from the perspective of an artist…I am artistic though I cannot paint or draw well I enjoy creating my own tunes and singing my own songs and I enjoy writing…In 2017 I returned to Ireland with my son and it was during my time in Ireland one summer Anne Marie and her husband also came to Ireland and we arranged to meet up…Anne Marie stayed with me for a day or two and allowed me to cook for her and take care of her which was a great experience for me…I had cooked a leg of lamb and Anne Marie enjoys lamb and said my cooking was good which coming from Anne Marie was a real compliment because Anne Marie is a wonderful cook…I got to stay at the cosy cottage a place I had dreamed of visiting over the years…I had received post cards from Anne Marie over the years of that lovely picturesque area and I was able to then go and see it for myself…I had a lovely time with Anne Marie and her husband who gave me a new tin whistle to play on…He wanted my son to try playing the tin whistle but my son has no interest in the tin whistle…My son enjoys the guitar and is practicing his guitar a lot these days and enjoying some guitar lessons…As a parent I find that I cannot expect my son to do the same things I did…This was a lesson I learned during my time in Ireland and when I traveled Europe…For example as an Irish child I always dreamed of visiting France some day…Well when we were in Ireland I took my son to France for his birthday and in my mind I thought this was a great thing a great gift…My son was very grateful but he let me know on no uncertain terms that he would have preferred to celebrate his birthday at home…I learn a lot from my son who has since thanked me many times for taking him with me to Ireland and around Europe…My son appreciates that he got to travel and see parts of the world he would otherwise not get to see…My son is very grateful but I cannot expect my son to want the same things I wanted as a young girl…We are two very different people and that is fine…As a parent I also must parent myself and as I parent myself I model behavior for my son…My son watches everything I do and do not do…Let me tell you my son would call me on my crap in a second…The modeling I got from my parents was very excellent in terms of the fact that my siblings and I were consistently always very well fed and cared for that way…My parents taught by example and their example was this…Though their marriage was not a happy marriage because dad was an alcoholic and mom was codependent and mom has mental issues…Despite this my parents stayed together through thick and thin…There were times when it was very hard for both my parents…My father would not come home for hours on end because he could not cope with mom’s complaining about their eight children…Sadly Dad blamed our mother for his problems which was wrong and unfair of him that was not right…Mum had enough on her plate and mum was often stressed out from the sacred work of caring for all eight of us day in and day out…My early memories of my mother are very good…My mother used to enjoy singing in the mornings and one of her favorite songs to sing was How Great Thou Art…My mother had a very soothing singing voice a lovely voice and I am grateful I got to hear her sing…My mother enjoyed sharing our food with the neighbor children who often got Ice Cream between wafers and other meals mum made…We had many friends growing up who loved to gather and play outside our home in Ireland…My parents did many things right…Because I observed my parents were not happy in their marriage not due to infidelity rather due to alcoholism in dad and mum’s mental issues this is what caused the discord in our home…I prayed to God at a very young age to preserve me from the misfortune of a bad and unhappy marriage…To this day God granted me this and I never married which for me is a fine thing…What damaged me greatly is this…I would be outside playing and singing as I loved to sing as a little girl though my voice was not great I did not care I loved to sing…My mother would sneak up on me and grab me by the arm and beat the living daylights out of me for the crime of being happy…My mother did this a lot…It was as if my mother could not bear the sight of me enjoying myself…It was awful and this was done to me a lot by my own mother…I was terrified of my mother because she was unpredictable and I never knew when she would beat me in anger…My mother would verbally abuse me to my face and behind my back and the verbal abuse was so terrible that it devastated me on the inside…My mother would call me names like “clibby” and “spindly legs” and make fun of my two uneven teeth that I have to this day…The damage done by this abuse was so severe that I stopped eating and I refused to eat my mother’s food…My mother would complain about feeding me and would typically serve me last and tell me that “I was not worth feeding” that “I was useless and good for nothing”…The abuse I got was horrific…I developed a serious eating disorder at a very young age before the word bulimic and anorexia were known I was bulimic at a young age…I would eat my food clear my plate then go to the bathroom and throw it all up…I would put my finger down my throat and force my food out that way…I wanted nothing to do with my mother and her food and sad to say I did not want to live anymore…I lost the will to live….My own mother destroyed in me the will to live…How I got better is a miracle because had I not gotten some intervention at the insistence of my father I would be dead…I got very ill from being bulimic this would explain why I was always very skinny as a child in Ireland and why it was that my mother called my tiny legs “spindly legs”…I was tiny and very thin because I was throwing up my food…No one in my home ever knew of my bulimia…No one cared and no one ever noticed me…It was not until I was very sick and too weak to walk which meant that I had to miss many days of school…My father had to get after my mother to nurse me back to health because my mother was letting me lie there and would become angry when I refused her food…I kept spitting out the soup she prepared and other food she tried to give me…My mother was at her wits end and my father one day told my mother he would divorce her if she failed to get me better…My father had it out with my mother and corrected her for abusing me and that it was the abuse she put me through that caused my illness that if I was not showing improvement my father would take me to the hospital…My mother was always full of diabolical pride and the thought of me going to the hospital showing signs of starvation and neglect was too much for my mother…She knew that would draw attention to the abuse going on in her home…My mother proceeded to act like she cared about me and under my father’s watchful supervision my mother nursed me back to health…It took a long time because I could not keep solids down and keeping liquids down was very hard…My body was rejecting food full stop…As I continued to heal from my bulimia this was in 1981 so the term bulimia was not widely known and not known in our social circle which was small in Ireland…My body would automatically regurgitate the food I ate and to stop that process I had to swallow my regurgitated food…The food I ingested would come back up into my mouth just after eating it so it was not gross oddly enough which made it easy for me to swallow my food again…I had to do this many times and over the course of weeks and months I was healed from bulimia…I find that writing helps me to process many things especially the more difficult things such as painful childhood traumatic memories…Looking back now I can tell you that I had bulimia but back then no one knew what bulimia was…Now that I am a parent and that I must also parent myself…I had to learn how to be good to myself and how to set boundaries with toxic people…If that meant cutting toxic people out of my life I did that…Life is hard enough for many of us and we are often better off by ourselves than in toxic relationships or toxic unhealthy friendships…Negative people drag others down with them so to avoid this calamity it is best to avoid when possible negative people…I would like to share a short story that continues that I call Mr. M…Mr. M. is a man I actually know and is a real person…I have had to set boundaries with Mr. M who seems to be on the spectrum of narcissism…Narcissism is rampant all over the world and presents its ugly self in various ugly forms and dealing with narcissists is always extremely difficult because you will never win for losing when dealing with the diabolically proud narcissist…Narcissism is at its core diabolical pride gone horribly wrong due to many a disturbed ego fed by disturbed minds…

Mr. M demands his birthday treat

Mr. M treats everything in life like collateral like currency if you will so that if you say to Mr. M you would like to do something he will hold you to that…The trouble with Mr. M is that he is very child like and he has a sense of entitlement that is very concerning…Mr. M loves to point out others flaws failing to see that he also has many flaws…Mr. M loves to complain that I am annoying forgetting that Mr. M is a royal pain in the ass to deal with and I prefer to avoid Mr. M as much as possible…Recently I did request Mr. M’s dependable business service only to be accused of being “indecisive” and experiencing being kept on the phone too long which was not necessary…Mr. M likes to get into my business and question me first such as “did you go online first” or “did you take this or that step first”…I appreciate that this sounds like Mr. M cares but mark my words the only person Mr. M cares about is himself…He is king and the rest of us are his servants…The rest of us are only in Mr. M’s life to meet his needs somehow…If Mr. M has a need or a want he will use you and take what he can from you and discard you when he is done with you…I gave Mr. M a courtesy phone call to ask him to meet me at the gate to save his time which is very valuable don’t you know…Mr. M goes on to complain about that phone call and it got so bad I had to hang up just to get him off the phone…I used his service but I had to politely ask him to be quiet…It was the polite version of shut the fuck up you asshole…Except I was much more polite about it…I made some phone calls then Mr. M requested permission to speak…I replied “go ahead” Mr. M proceeded to state that he called my phone both my phones the other day and seemed angry that both my phones were turned off…I replied did you leave a voicemail? I am horrible at checking my voice mails and may not have realized right away I had a voicemail from Mr. M…Mr. M stated that he is not in the habit of calling people and no he did not leave a voicemail…I replied then do tell me why you called since you brought it up go ahead and tell me why you called then…Mr. M proceeded to say that it was not relevant…At this point I am perturbed because this man is a dick head an asshole I can say what I need to say here on this blog…He is playing mind games and seems to think that he is too important to leave a voicemail or send a text requesting a call back…I stated that once my phones are off unless I get a voicemail or a text I do not see a missed call…Mr. M offered to show me his call log I stated that was not necessary…I then fell silent because I had nothing more to say to Mr. M who has already instructed me not to text him or call him unless I need his service…Mr. M seemed upset that I did not care that he called…I told Mr. M it is not my job to meet his needs that I am sorry he finds me difficult to deal with that I do my best and I am doing what he asked me to do…Which is not to call unless I need his service or to text him ever…I am doing this his reply was “but you have called me before”…I stated yes I did that but it was not respectful considering you do not want that…Either Mr. M does not know what the hell he wants or he is bat shit crazy I figure he is crazy…Mr. M. proceeded to demand the birthday treat I had offered him before…I had forgotten about my offer but I could not fulfill my offer that day due to not feeling well and I had a list of things to do before my son got home from school…Mr. M seemed angry that he would not get the offer I made fulfilled that day…Mr. M pouted and said that he tried to work with me by calling me and not leaving me a voicemail or text and by demanding his birthday treat at a bad time for me…It dawned on me that Mr. M is all about himself and he does not care that I have not been feeling great these days…That never enters that mans head…He wants what he wants when he wants it full stop forget about anyone else and their needs…That is childish selfish and disgusting…His birthday is on the 27th of this month…I hope he enjoys his birthday but I do not feel obliged to follow through on a thing because I need to keep this exchange strictly business…The minute I give Mr. M an inch he will take a mile…I do not owe entitled Mr. M a thing and I do not change how I do things hoping that Mr. M will call me one of the days…I am too busy for stupid games my life is already full…Mr. M will have to get his demands and annoying needs met elsewhere…Mr. M forgets that he can be very annoying too…I have decided not to interact with Mr. M ever again because he is an abusive type who emotionally abuses others and takes from others what others do not have to give…I do not have much to give and what little I could give was trampled under foot…Besides Mr. M has no respect for someone like me…I do not mean anything to that man…That is because Mr. M does not respect himself…It is a sad commentary but Mr. M does not respect himself which is why he is so hateful to women like me…I am certain I am not the only woman Mr. M would use if he could for various currencies of a different kind…Currencies I refuse to deal in such as a friend with benefits currency or other bull shit that is not real and has no future…Mr. M is a very sad and very angry man who wants what is not his to have or to get…Mr. M will help himself to you your life and your resources any way that he can if you let him…I offered to give that man a massage for his birthday I was not serious but this entitled meat head took me seriously which I suppose is possibly why he called me to demand payment in the form of that massage…Entitled Mr. M becomes angry if you fail to follow through on things you say forgetting that Mr. M is demanding and wants what he wants when he wants it with no consideration of others and their time…Mr. M would be better served if he would just go and fly a kite…God knows I have flown many kites over the years and found it to be great fun…To Mr. M and all like him in this world…Go and fly a kite sir you will enjoy the experience it will be good for you and leave women like me alone…If you want a massage go and get a massage done by a professional who knows what they are doing and leave women like me alone…Stop playing stupid head games because while it seems that you have won and that you are winning in the end you are stuck with yourself because women figure you out and discard you just as you discard them…Enjoy my silly song titled Hey Mike music is my outlet for expressing how I feel about certain men and their flying monkeys…Flying monkey is a term in pop psychology that talks about vile gossips who repeat things other say without regard or care for the person being talked about…Flying monkey’s spread gossip and aid and abet the narcissistic gaslighter the one who bad mouths their targets and spreads vile rumors or messages about their targets through others known as flying monkey’s…Gaslighter is a term used in psychology to describe ways vile narcissists attack others behind their backs in a vile effort to destroy the character and image of that person in the minds of others including their flying monkey’s who spread vile bullshit…Narcissists are prideful people who are the devil’s own…

Hey Mike

…………Namaste…………

As a thank you for your follows likes and shares enjoy more you tube stuff…My latest song titled Mystic River using my creative process of incorporating my tune with my singing…I know I am not the best but I enjoy this new aspect of my creativity very much…It is a hobby that I enjoy…

First I record the tune…

Mystic Rivers Tune

Then I record the song with the tune as background music…

Mystic Rivers Song

When I am not creating tunes and songs I enjoy my pet who knows many things…Enjoy my playlist tilted My Pet Knows…

My Pet Knows Playlist

I managed to get both of my epic backwards BB shots on one TikTok Clip…

Epic Backwards BB Shots

I also created a TikTok middle age playlist on you tube because I like to make the most of my middle age…

…My Middle Age Playlist – Life Begins at 40 I would know I will soon be 49…