Independence – The Fear – A Reflection

These Little Reflections Independence and The Fear were authored by Akiane Kramarik between the ages of 7-11 in her book titled My Dream Is Bigger Than I – Memories of Tomorrow – Part Six Page 310 — “You will need your own copy of this book to view the full text of this poem.  I limit quotes for the purpose of discussion and to follow copyright guidelines that allows for limited quotes.”

The featured image I choose for this reflection was my front porch area from my home in South Dakota USA where I lived for almost ten years of my well traveled life…In Independence Akiane writes…”Each time we leave home—it is easier to close the door behind”…In The Fear Akiane writes…”I close myself in a safe holding the contents of my life”…What Akiane writes is very true…Our lost modern world pushes and promotes individual independence then at the same time pushes and promotes interdependence which is very confusing…As a result women often chase the men and pursue these men often relentlessly which means many men have forgotten how to pursue a woman and so men rarely if ever pursue women anymore…Also many men are conditioned to expect way too much from the women in their lives…The modern woman is conditioned to pursue marriage and will often sabotage and destroy a perfect relationship by demanding marriage as the ideal outcome…Marriage is promoted as the solution to keep couples bound to one another so many sign the legal and binding contractual marriage either at their local justice of the peace or in a more formal religious ceremony that often costs big money…The obsession to marry is concerning in and of itself and often places intense pressure on couples whose marriages often fail leaving many broke and feeling hopeless and dejected…Intense pressure is placed on married couples to always save face and look good and to appear strong and united when in reality their marriage is in tatters leaving their children shattered from years of fighting and arguments and drama due to many a diabolical marriage…Our society is a social experiment gone horribly wrong…Women and men no longer know how to act as such communication often fails or is non existent and many a misunderstanding results from lack of communication…Consequently, after experiencing the biter taste of failed relationships and failed marriages men and women close themselves off by building mystical walls around themselves…By so doing many become unreachable and untouchable their empathy was destroyed years before from the carnage done in their youth from abusive parents who verbally molest their own children and others like them who also do serious damage to the fragile egos of boys and girls who become fragile adults who hide behind many a narcissistic castle or wall…Many today believe only what they want to believe which causes untold pain to both themselves and others…Many today view others as objects to be used and abused and discarded…Also many view their partners as a trophy to be won and discarded when the fun is done…Many are addicted to the high one gets from relationships and as such are serial monogamists who go from partner to partner seeking the same high and this explains why ones like that both male and female get bored with their relationships…Many today are not relationship material sadly many are too stupid to recognize this and go on to do untold damage and leave carnage to the ones they try to love but cannot love for they are too damaged…Many people are like the broken egg that is shattered and cannot ever be put back together again much like the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty….I quote this short nursery rhyme for you here: [Samuel Arnold wrote the original nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty in 1797] — I quote the modern version here:

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the King’s horses
And all the King’s men,
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.” [Samuel Arnold 1797]

Humpty Dumpty is about an anthropomorphic egg whereby untold damage or carnage is done to Humpty Dumpty via his great fall that resulted from sitting on a wall that no one can ameliorate for to ameliorate Humpty Dumpty one must first be able to understand that Humpty Dumpty cannot be put back together again due to the purposeful disambiguation nature of this timeless rhyme…The wall in this nursery rhyme could be as simple as a real wall that an egg is sitting on and when that egg falls and is splattered on the ground nothing can put that mess back together again…In the mystical sense the wall could mean a mystical wall and the egg a human being who sits on the wall of his or her own mind and as such has become captive to their own devices and as such cannot be defined under one simple definition and having more than one side to them as walls have two sides to them when ones like that fall their fall is great and no they cannot ameliorate the carnage done…I would describe ones like that as sociopaths who cannot be rehabilitated for their fragile egos have two sides to them and ones like that act like therapy is helping but seldom do they ever accomplish lasting change…Consequently, they do untold damage to themselves and others so that when they fall and fall they will and always do their fall is great and ones like that one cannot ameliorate…An altered human being with a fragile ego and damaged emotions is very much like an egg on the inside with a hard shell on the outside due to what I call mutated hearts that are often hardened by pride which is always diabolical…I liken the charming abilities of many a charming male and female who are damaged beyond repair to the spider and the fly nursery rhyme whereby the spider is oh so charming and the fly not so wise ends up dead in the web of the deceitful crafty spider…I sang my version of the spider and the fly whereby in my version the fly is now more wise and is able to fly away from the snare of the fowler which in this silly rhyme is the crafty spider…

My version of The Spider and the Fly by Mary Howitt 1829

Parents often do untold damage to their own children which produces crops of damaged adults many who are sociopath narcissists with elevated senses of entitlement and self will run riot in heads full of pride…Irreparable damage is often done that due to the degree of human wreckage and carnage caused parents are dubbed by all of heaven as the unforgiven for what parents do to their children is irreparable and irreconcilable with all of heaven…Damaged parents produce damaged adults whose childhood was ruined by their own damaged parents…My own damaged narcissistic mother did untold damage to me her fifth child…I cannot speak for my siblings however I can speak for myself…My nasty mother withheld mail from me so that any mail sent to me at my mother’s address I never got…As the years passed I often marveled that I never got any mail especially when I was a young woman living with my damaged mother…Part of my painful past is this…In my early to mid twenties I forget my exact age I tried to commit suicide…This was a very serious suicide attempt and I had to be hospitalized to be saved…Had I not been hospitalized I would have died…My suicide attempt was a serious overdose of pain medication that I was taking for fibromyalgia pain…After recovery which included psychiatric help and psychiatric treatment…I started to slowly feel better but I still felt horrible inside I felt dead inside so to numb my pain I went to the local bars or pubs to socialize and it was during that painful time period that I met John M…John M was a bartender at one of the local Pubs I frequented which has since closed down…I vividly recall when I first met John M our eyes met and we connected immediately…He was anxious to get to know me and he lost no time in asking me out…What John M did not know about me back then was that I was in serious emotional pain that I dated John M to numb years of hurt and pain particularly the nasty break up I experienced with my ex boyfriend named Marc C who was horrible to me…In fact it was a nasty letter that I had received from Marc C that put me over the edge…The letter from Marc C was cruel and merciless angry and unkind and uncalled for…I felt devalued and discarded by Marc C’s cruel letter which is what served to further destabilize my mental health and was the cause of my serious suicide attempt…To this day Marc C has no idea that he caused me such pain and hurt from that awful horrid hate filled letter that was so full of venom that I felt shot by Marc C…I mean he might as well have shot me with a gun so great was the hurt and pain that man caused me…You see I had dated Marc C for some time and during that time we exchanged gifts during the holidays and I met Marc C’s parents and family and he met my parents and family…We wrote each other caring letters with a unique stamp on the letters from cute stamps I brought back with me from my trip to China…I thought the relationship I had with Marc C meant something that it was real…That this man valued me…Sad to say when I received the angry letter I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me much like being forced to fall off a magic carpet…What triggered Marc C to write such a venomous letter was this: I was not dating Marc C as I had broken off our relationship for the following reasons…From the moment I met Marc C in college Marc C made it clear he liked another young lady our age and because she rejected him or showed no interest in Marc C that he lowered his standards to date me…In other words I was never his first choice and Marc C reminded me of that many times…I felt sorry for Marc C and since I was not looking for a boyfriend back then and Marc C seemed to enjoy my company we agreed to date just because we were both bored with being single…We enjoyed many long talks and shared a common love of music comedy and poetry…We were both very artistic in our own ways and enjoyed late nights and early morning breakfasts…We had a nice time and seemed to get along very well…I noticed a change in Marc C and one time while sitting next to each other I mentioned marriage to him to get a sense of where his head was at…He made it clear that he was not ready for marriage and that even if he was ready for marriage he would never marry me…The truth of his words stung like a bee and I accepted what he said and I waited for him to break up with me…I expected him to end our relationship and when he did not end our relationship…I put a stop to it and ended it myself…I could not understand why he kept holding onto me since clearly I was not worth much to him and clearly I never meant much to him either…After I broke off with him I kept in touch and maintained a friendship with him…To his credit I thought he handled the break up very well and seemed nonplussed about it…I admired and respected his ability to remain friends…I thought he was a good friend and was relieved that he took the break up so very well…As time passed my sister Olivia decided to get married and it was during the time of my sisters marriage that I decided to reach out to my ex and good friend Marc C to invite him to my sister’s wedding as a guest…I let Marc C know that I would appreciate his company at my sister’s wedding but that since I had just broken off my second engagement I was simply requesting his company nothing more than that…During the time leading up to my sister’s wedding I was also engaged to be married but I ended that engagement due to behavior issues with this fiance who ended up being an abusive type who abused a woman he married some years later…My sister Olivia treated my engagement with total disrespect and anger and seemed to think that I was in competition with her to get married first…I know this from horrible things Olivia said to me in the days leading up to Olivia’s wedding…Olivia had no idea that my engagement had nothing to do with her and that I ended my engagement for reasons that had nothing to do with Olivia…Olivia thought that she was able to bully me into ending my engagement and boasted about that…Olivia has boasted about being able to lie to my mother about me and get me into trouble for her lies over the years…I know this because Olivia told me herself that she was glad she could ruin my life by getting my mother to beat me as a child for things Olivia did…Olivia has no empathy or remorse for causing me untold pain and damage throughout the years particularly as children…Olivia would purposely cause trouble and blame me for it taking sick pleasure in watching me take the fall or beatings for Olivia’s malice…Once our damaged mother realized what Olivia was doing Olivia received a beating that was so severe it caused a bad nose bleed and almost broke Olivia’s nose…Our mother had caught Olivia causing trouble then pinning the blame on me which created a fiery outrage in our damaged mother who had it out with Olivia…We were children then and the way our damaged mother dealt with us was wrong and very dysfunctional…Olivia became a good liar as a young child…I would know from all the beatings I got for things I never did thanks to Olivia’s lies…Our mother despised Olivia for a long time after the time she figured out what Olivia was doing to me…The verbal abuse that Olivia got from our damaged mother destroyed any empathy or conscience in Olivia who to this day is not capable of any sincere sorrow or repentance for her lies and the pain her lies caused me over the years…Olivia earned the disdain and hatred from our damaged mother for years to come which served to foment increased and lasting hatred for me not only from Olivia but my other damaged siblings…I had agreed to attend Olivia’s wedding but I was depressed about her wedding because Olivia had been living with her fiance for some time and was boasting about living with her future husband and that the contraception pill she was on worked well…My sister Carmel did the same with her husband who was her former patient…Carmel lived with him and popped contraception pills prior to their marriage which failed a few short years later ending in a difficult divorce…It was during those days that I thought that Marc C was a good friend…A friend I could count on to invite to my sister’s wedding. Instead Marc C unleashed his anger and vented hate speech and not only devalued our previous relationship but discarded me like trash like I never meant anything to him…Years later looking back on those painful days I received a letter from a narcissist who was angry that I ended the relationship and whose fragile ego was furious…As a result Marc C proved to be a false love and a false friend…I was devastated by Marc C’s letter and it was his letter that pushed me over the edge because it arrived in the mail at a time in my life when I was very vulnerable and hurting inside…At Olivia’s wedding I felt sad inside and the fact that Olivia was using contraception turned my stomach I felt physically ill at that wedding and did not enjoy her wedding at all…So to numb my pain I drank a lot and the next morning my hangover was very severe…I was already depressed by Marc C’s devaluing and discarding letter…In the days after my sister Olivia’s horrible wedding while my sister was on her honeymoon I attempted suicide…Marc C’s hateful words kept repeating themselves in my mind and I felt dead inside and like I had nothing left to live for…In the moment I took the overdose of pain medication all my mind could think about was the verbal abuse I got for years from my own family and now Marc C’s letter was the nail in my coffin…Words have power and words can kill and my own family destroyed me long ago…After taking a serious overdose I laid myself down in my bed and waited to die…Then I had a mystical experience…I saw an interior vision of Jesus Christ who asked me the following “my child what is the matter?” Jesus told me there is no matter too great for Jesus… —- As I write this I have to pause as tears stream down my face as I recall this mystical experience…Jesus Christ asked me if I was mad at him and if I still love him…Jesus Christ spoke to me in a very kind and cajoling manner much like a parent speaks to their five year old who is in serious danger…The vision I had of Jesus Christ is similar to the painting done by Akiane Kramarik of Jesus Christ…I ended up reassuring Jesus Christ in this mystical interior silent conversation that I always loved him but that I do not understand him and that there is no way in hell I could ever be mad at Jesus Christ…I told Jesus Christ in this mystical interior conversation that I was in serious emotional pain that the downward spiral I was in refused to stop and so I stopped and lost the will to live…Jesus Christ was very kind the whole time and never made me feel bad or condemned rather that my pain had become his pain that when I hurt myself I hurt Jesus Christ who loves me as if I am a part of himself in a mystical way…As I write this I have to pause and I feel the presence of Jesus Christ who is reminding me as I write of his great love for me and mankind…As my tears dry on their own Jesus Christ is reminding me that I am his own that I am not alone and that my tears are mingled mystically with his tears which he shed for all of humanity in the garden of Gethsemane…That my strength is not my own for I never walked alone…Jesus Christ wants me to know that when I hurt myself I hurt Jesus Christ who bears the mystical burden of our tears in this valley of tears…As I write I feel comforted by the mystical presence of Jesus Christ who is telling me that my work is setting things right and that my work will serve to mystically lead many back to the God of life through the mystical true Jesus Christ…Ever since I was a child my body would move in a mystical rocking motion whenever I conversed interiorly with Mystical Jesus Christ and Mystical Mary not found in any of the lost seven churches to be addressed by seven Mystical Scrolls…This rocking motion has always been heaven comforting me amidst streams of inconsolable tears…As I write I feel heaven’s embrace and my tears have been erased…I have learned that I trauma bonded with my horrible mother and that I suffered from stockholm syndrome for years…That from years of verbal abuse and other kinds of abuse I had become a prisoner of my own mind…That painful memories from my past can evoke painful emotions in the present…That this kaleidoscopic web of trauma based programming is the work of the devil from the book of the dead…Ways demons enter into human beings is through manifestations of ill will and a lust for revenge or vengeance by getting the traumatized human to act out in a diabolical way by associating past trauma with present emotions which causes transference of angry outbursts to many an innocent bystander and other diabolical manifestations…Toxic shame increases as the target of demonic based trauma based control disintegrates into sheer madness often resulting in criminal insanity…What separates the wheat from the chaff was predetermined centuries before by the book of life…The book of life tests mankind and few pass and many fail by falling prey to predatory emotional bonding to past trauma that controls their behavior and actions in the present…This explains why as I write two thirds of humanity are corrupted by their demons and their spirits have changed by mutated hearts corrupted by their own free will run riot…Mankind became a part of the revolt of the fallen angelic realm a travesty that was not part of the God of life’s original plans for mankind…The mystical fine print over souls like my soul which is eternal in nature is not visible to the devil and his fallen angels who were expelled from heaven during the initial first angelic test…The God of life first tested the angels then used the devil and his fallen angels like pawns in chess to test mankind…Mankind’s task was to follow the ten commandments a task that failed miserably at the end of the reign of king Nabuchodonosor from the book of Daniel…By the time of the birth of the true Jesus Christ all flesh upon earth was once more corrupted…Jesus Christ tried to stop the spread of the fallen angelic realm which sought to set up a fourth lower kingdom using trauma based control in the form of crucifixions…Jesus Christ came to earth during the reign of the third kingdom the kingdom of brass…Upon the death of Jesus Christ on the druidic satanic ritual cross a fourth kingdom was established on earth the kingdom of Iron…There will be no more kingdoms established on earth because the kingdom of Iron has destroyed earth…All seven churches are summoning the devil to reign on earth as a false Jesus Christ…By demanding that this false Jesus Christ Reign as King of the Universe…Forgetting that Jesus Christ will only return to earth as the just and eternal judge of the living and the dead…Few today understand this and many are not prepared…Now that I say this as a mystical work of art…As I relive the trauma of my past mystical Jesus Christ is writing my script…I am unto the wicked an anomaly atypical holy terror of all hell whose demons failed to attach themselves to my emotions in a way that would drag me into the book of the dead…For I refused to partake in their revolt and revolting wicked lost ways…As my fallen nature becomes more angelic my tears are wiped away and the slate of my past is also being wiped clean…According to the devil’s diabolical plan I was cursed prior to my birth and when my presence blessed the earth this blessing was done mystically…The devils and the fallen angels never saw me coming…So sure were they of my being foredoomed my childhood and presence was enveloped in a mystical loom not known to the devil and his fallen angelic realm…My interior life was not visible to the world and certainly not to the devil and his fallen angels…My childhood tears were mingled with the tears of mystical Jesus Christ and my tears serve for all eternity as angelic tears and testimony against the wicked…Every tear drop that I shed will serve as drops of fire that will fall like rain for all eternity on the wicked who are foredoomed…The devils dread my tears and even more than my tears the devils fear my death for upon my death I shall return with the armies of heaven for the vengeance of the God of life will be had…My script is set in the mystical corner stone the same stone that the builders rejected…My birth mother though wicked in many ways will attain heaven by virtue of comforting me as her infant by virtue of changing my cloth diapers by virtue of holding me at times when I was screaming in her arms from prolonged pains of childbirth that stayed with me longer than other infants…My birth was not supposed to be premature my mother had to remedy for this by holding me her colicky baby at times that were hard at times when my poor mother was exhausted from caring for her other four babies…My birth mother rocked me many times and sang softly to me to lull me to sleep at night when I could not sleep due to prolonged pains after my birth…By virtue of child birth and by virtue of heroic self sacrifice in rearing all eight of her children despite being a vile gossip and abuser my birth mother will attain heaven…For if I have a say in the matter of my own birth mother’s eternal soul I say this the devil has no sway the devil has no say for the God of life knows the wicked deeds done in the name of God to my birth mother as an Irish child…The devils will rue the day for all eternity that they ever thought they held sway over my birth mother and my lineage…In my own frail humanity there are days I hate my mother for the things she did to me by meddling in my life…I get fired up about it…Then I remember my birth mother’s tears which she shed when she feared I would not come home from the hospital when I was incubated after my premature birth..I remember the prayers my mother said on those rosary beads mingled with tears that she shed that I would not wind up dead like her miscarried child who died before her pregnancy with me and my birth…I remember the guilt my mother felt as she accused herself before the Throne of the God of life of not being careful enough when she carried me that if I died it was not her fault rather it was my Uncle Joe’s fault for causing discord with his drunken visits that kept my mother up and caused her to miscarry the baby before me…That the stress caused by uncle Joe’s alcohol problem had taken its toll that my death would have been the fault of uncle Joe…Whose unwanted visits to our home had to be put a stop to…My birth mother’s prayers were heard and holy angels were sent to heal me and my birth mother and to get uncle Joe out of our lives by forcing Joe to be hospitalized for his alcoholism which was very serious at the time…Thanks be to God Joe straightened out got better and went on to successfully raise his own family of children…The carnage done by systemic abuse of the Irish child in the druidic wicked Irish school system spans centuries…Alcohol was introduced to indigenous tribes around the world with the bad intention of ruining them…Every kind of sin and vice was introduced with the wicked intention of destroying whole lineages…Now that I said all of this…At the time of my serious suicide attempt mystical Jesus Christ held my hand in that bedroom and guided me out to the adjacent apartment where my oldest brother noticed I was not acting right and got me the help I needed…My oldest brother called my sister Carmel who was a nurse by then and Carmel rushed over and drove me like a bat out of hell to the nearest Emergency room. I had to get my stomach pumped and take mucomyst…I had to hit rock bottom to learn how to heal by facing my pain…That was my rock bottom…My family acted like they were the victims of my suicide attempt which served to make me feel worse and I wished that I had not lived…I envied the dead and I wished I was dead…My sister Olivia was not told about my suicide attempt until much later because she was on her honey moon when this took place…When I returned home to my parents with whom I was living at the time…I continued some continuing education and it was during those days that I met John M…During my time with John M I was hurting inside and John M had no idea that I had just survived a serious suicide attempt…I never opened up to John M because I figured he would write me off as my own family wrote me off as crazy…So that in the moment John M told me he loved me which was in a moment of passionate love making the best sex I ever had in my stupid fucked up meaningless joke of a life — I just lay there motionless with no emotion and said nothing in reply…I could not believe that man when he told me he loved me I simply did not believe his words…I thought he hated me that he just liked my body for sex which I did not mind since the sex was great…I remember finding a valentines day card and I figured John M had bought that card for his real girlfriend…I could not bring myself to trust that he was faithful to me though I was faithful to him…John M told me the card was for me and he handed it to me in such a manner that it was awkward as hell for me and I felt more hated than before…John M made many mistakes because he was young and dumb and I was also young and dumb…John M had no idea the pain I was in during those days…So when I shared in a previous post that I had a detailed mystical dream about John M that played like a movie when I was fast asleep…Whereby in that dream I was shown that John M truly loved me…I was shocked by this because I could not see that then but now that I am much older and wiser I can see it now…That dream shook me up because I had forgotten that John M even existed…I figured that he had long since forgotten all about me…John M and I never said goodbye and so we never formally broke up…Now that many yeas have passed I am sure he is in a relationship and has a family of his own…I understand the purpose of that dream was to show me that I was once truly loved by a man…Sad to say the dream traumatized me because I was once more reminded of my painful emotions from that very sad and painful time in my life…I cried for three days after I had that dream and wondered what is the point of showing me this now after all these years? I understand now that this dream is serving to help me to heal from painful emotions that I never fully recovered from…As my incredible journey of healing continues I thank you for your follows likes and shares…It is my hope that my story will help others in some small and meaningful way…What hurts me deeply is that my own mother kept a letter from me which is not the first time she did that…My own damaged mother hates my guts on so many levels that the depth of her hatred is depraved…So depraved that she withheld important letters and mail from me over the years…What a wicked despicable thing to do to her own daughter…I am laying this John M matter to rest in my head because the past is the past and cannot be undone…I remain grateful for the many lessons I learned in my own journey of eternity and for the blessing of my son who is my joy…

…………Namaste…………

…My Maggie McGee Playlist is about Mutating and Mutated Hearts…
…Enjoy this song for the light of my life the source of my joy my wonderful bright boy y beloved son…
…My latest silly song playlist titled Kaleidoscopic dreams…