A Chance – Load – A Reflection

These little reflections A Chance and Load were authored by Akiane kramarik between the ages of 7-11 in her book titled My Dream Is Bigger Than I – Memories of Tomorrow – Part Six Page 272 — “You will need your own copy of this book to view the full text of this poem.  I limit quotes for the purpose of discussion and to follow copyright guidelines that allows for limited quotes.”

The featured image I choose for this reflection is a selfie I took of a Dromedary and I prior to our dromedary ride at Timanfaya National Park In Lanzarote Canary Islands…I will share footage of our awesome time in Lanzarote at the end of this reflection from my You Tube Channel…I will share a link here with some interesting facts about this amazing National Park…Did you know that the movie Apollo 13 was filmed at Timanfaya National Park? — Also did you know that scenes from the movie Star Wars were also filmed at Timanfaya National Park? — Who knew? — The only reason I know this is because we took a bus ride tour to the top of the volcano mountain called fire mountain which is when I learned this…In A Chance Akiane writes…”One needs to have a chance to give a chance”…In Load Akiane writes…”Equal burdens are convinced that only their load is heavier”…I would like to share a link about an interesting very intelligent man who said the following quote that I absolutely love as it is very well said and I could not say it better myself…Mr. Dallin Harris Oaks an American Jurist, Educator and Religious Leader said and I quote…”Sometimes our needed growth is achieved better by suffering and adversity than by comfort and tranquility”…Dallin H. Oaks…This is a link about this Law School Graduate who was nominated for the Supreme Court Justice a number of times…https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dallin_H._Oaks What Mr. Oaks says is very wise and very true because in times of comfort and tranquility many of us myself included can be lulled into a lukewarm slumber and then like frogs in water that is slowly boiling be too sluggish to get out of the water that is boiling around us on time…It is also very true what Akiane says when she writes that in order to be able to give a chance one needs to have a chance…Also the God of life allows all of us to carry burdens that we can bear though for many of us myself included our burdens can be overwhelming at times which means that many of us often do believe that our burdens are greater than others…Also sad to say many of us women around the globe not unique to the Western world are conditioned to believe that one fine day a fine fellow will come along and sweep us off our feet marry us and as such rescue us like damsels in distress…I don’t know about you but I know I have watched way too much TV over the years…So much so that I saw men as heroes who were put on earth to rescue little ladies like me…I said to myself sure just like Laura Ingalls Wilder grew up and got married N all…Sure I’ll do the same thing…I used to watch a lot of Little House On The Prairie as a young Irish Lassie growing up in Ireland…I loved the opening scene and the music featuring Laura Ingalls Wilder running through the field…It is a scene that is etched in my memory for all eternity…That scene shows the simplicity and joy of being a child enraptured by nature…Well when I was a young lassie I loved to play in the fields too in Ireland…I played lots of hide and seek and hid behind many a haystack…When we are children life is full of joy and is very simple and tis the simple things that bring us great joy…Instead of yelling at the clouds like many do today…As a girl in Ireland I would lie down on a grassy hill and stare at the clouds and fall asleep…I fell asleep in the field so many times I lost count in the hot summer months in Ireland…My brother once fell asleep in a neighbors garden on the grass behind the wall…Our mammy went nuts looking for him and was worried sick and was so relieved to find him fast asleep on the grass outside…Another time one of my siblings fell fast asleep underneath one of the beds which was another frenzied search for our loving mammy who was relieved when she found her little one under the bed…I share this with my readers because while I do tell me Irish Mammy she was a right bitch on wheels at times on my you tube channel in the form of crazy Irish jokes…I like to show the world that my mammy was human and frail in many respects and that in her own way despite serious problems…My Irish Mammy loved all eight of us with a fiery passion…So much so that woman made sure we were all well fed and cared for…My poor mammy’s hands were calloused and bruised from years of hard work washing nappies which were cloth diapers that she used for all eight of her babies…My mother that woman took care of me when I was too little to care for myself…God love her…I simply like to tell my Irish Mammy tis my turn now to speak my mind since my voice was silenced for years…Now it’s my turn that’s all…This does not lessen or diminish my love for my now elderly mammy…I find writing and you tubing to be cathartic for me like a catharsis of continued healing…Sad to say too that many people only see what they want to see and only hear what they want to hear…So when vile gossip is spread about by many a flying monkey untold irreparable damage is done to the one or ones being gossiped about which is ugly and horrid…For years I waited and hoped for my knight in shining armor to show up and sweep me off my feet and rescue me from myself from my loneliness and pain…Then I discovered that was never going to happen and it was hard for me to accept…It still is very hard for me to accept that I am not meant to find a partner…I was never meant to find a partner…Not sure why this is so but that is my reality my truth…I also know that I am meant to learn my lessons in this life and since I do believe in Karma and the concept or idea of reincarnation I must have been a hell cat in previous lives…Because in this life I am meant to learn many things…I was meant to learn how to love myself in the true Biblical sense as a Christian woman so that by being able to love myself I could then love my neighbor as myself…For years I hated my self I loathed myself I could not stand myself…I did not feel comfortable in my own skin because of years of verbal abuse I despised myself…Learning to love my self just as I am was not an easy process for me but I learned how to do this…I do a lot of self care these days and I take life slowly and very easy to avoid more stress and also to avoid becoming elevated and angry…I help my son with his school work and I am pleased to say he is getting A’s and B’s and is doing very well…I learned that I needed to learn how to become a whole person again and to stand on my own too feet…I learned how to do this though at times it has been terrifying for me to singularly advocate for myself…I am very tenacious and this tenacity has seen me through many a shit storm…All the same there are times when I shed many tears and I am terrified…I had to accept that no man on earth wants to help me or do a thing for me and certainly no man on earth has any real sincere interest in me…This was very hard for me to accept and to this day I shed many a tear over my reality my truth…I had to accept that I am not a good catch for many reasons…I am a person with a permanent disability I have special needs I am a single mother and I am moody high strung at times and I have a feisty Irish temper…Men flee from women like me and I cannot say that I blame them one bit…I do not pursue men at all and I am terrified of men who pursue me…Recently a man who was overweight and not attractive at all who works in public service for the bus system tried to ask me out…I do not go out to eat due to the pandemic and also due to the fact that I have little time for luxury these days…I work hard between my part time job my blog my you tube channels and raising my son…I have enough on my plate already and I do not date because I do not have time to date…I have turned this man down many times and recently it came to a head it was just plain awkward…That man introduced me to another passenger who was male who rides the bus…I could tell that this other male passenger did not want to be bothered by his body language I could tell he was not approachable at all…I am the same way I keep strictly to myself except for times when I hand out free bus passes…I do turn men down on a regular basis because I am tired I am sick and tired of my shit storm life…I just want to be left alone to raise my son and then die on my own when my time comes to die…I do not care if I live or die because I have lost the will to care…All I care about these days is raising my son to adult hood that’s it full stop…That man refused to accept my no…I had to tell him no three times then I had to get up and leave the bus terminal area…My God the compliments were flying about how I dress nice and look nice…Shit my hair was a disaster that day I had a hat on that looked like shit…I mean I do not even try to look good these days…I am more concerned about practical dress for comfort than looking trendy…I had to call his boss and file a report that management speak to this man…That this man had offered to let me borrow his money one day…An offer I turned down flat since I do not know this man and I am terrified of the price I would have to pay for that money…I knew there would be strings attached to borrowing money from that man…I prefer to starve than accept money from a potential abusive narcissistic man or woman…Management were very apologetic that this happened and agreed to talk to that man…I said I am sure he is not a bad man but all I want to be able to do is simply come and go and ride the bus from A to B…That is not too much to ask is it?…I never asked for much in this life and I have never had much either…All I want now is to live alone and raise my son to adult hood and die alone when my time comes to die…That is not too much to ask either is it?…I have been on my own for years anyway and the men I thought loved me never really loved me…I never meant anything to a soul and certainly not to any man…I do not mean anything to anyone and certainly not to my own bat shit crazy family…I am a big nobody a big nothing it is as if I do not exist…Well for now I exist to raise my son to adult hood as best I can so that I can grow old alone and die alone…That is what my stupid existence is for nothing more and nothing less…My life has been very tragic and very sad yet others have suffered far worse than I…So if I ever get rich the first thing I will do is pay back every one who helped me out in the past over the years…Then take care of the poor and the down trodden…I would love to be able to house the homeless and feed the poor that is my big dream as a humanitarian…I would build individual small homes for the homeless and house as many homeless individuals and families as possible that is my big dream…But today I am poor myself and cannot do much…Today I must settle for being able to do little things with love…Such as handing out free bus passes and treating strangers to a cuppa coffee when I can manage it…I want to leave a mystical eternal mark in this life that will be remembered for all eternity…I do have lots of love to give my son and the poor and down trodden because I know what it is like to be poor and to struggle…I do not have any love left to give a man…The love I had to give was taken from me and used and abused and destroyed by bad men…That is why what little I had to give a man was destroyed through years of abuse…Men terrify me they truly do and I do not trust a soul I only trust the God of life…When it comes to public service though I do trust our police and first responders and health care workers and folks like that to provide the best help they can provide in the moment…I do trust our communities as a rule…Trust is there for me in that I do trust others to do the right thing…I also trust myself to do the right thing…I simply do not trust a soul when it comes to familiarity…A man once told me that “familiarity breeds contempt”…This is true in my story…I thought I had true blue friends only to discover to my shock shock horror that these women and men hated my guts behind my back…They were nice to my face but hated my guts…I was devastated by these false friends and the men who proved to be false lovers over the years…I have been hurt way too much so much so that my emotions are spent I have no feelings left save feelings of sorrow that I shed many a tear over concerning my shit storm stupid life…A hurt that still stays with me is this…I used to ride the bus in Upstate New York and one of the buses I rode on was driven by a man who was very proud…This man was a handsome man but also very proud…When I got on the bus he would glare at me with hatred in his eyes because he thought I was a loser a low life who had to ride the bus…I then met this same man in a social circle at a group event I attended…It was there that I observed that he stuck his nose up and avoided me like the plague…I never did get to know that man because from day one he hated me…He never wanted to get to know a low life bus rider like me…I observed this man had difficulty dealing with Western women and so he did get married to a woman from the Philippines…I suppose the way that man treated me was disgusting and it fed my own feelings of inferiority and feelings of not being good enough…As the years passed I realized that anyone I became familiar with became filled with contempt towards me and ended up hating my guts…So I suppose the words “familiarity breeds contempt” are very true in my story…It is for this reason that I do not want to know anyone new I do not want new friends and I do not want a man…I realized that I do not need friends to be whole I do not need a man to be whole…While I would really appreciate having real friends that my history taught me that for ones like me real friends do not exist and love from a man in any real lasting way also does not exist…Sure there are men that want to spend time with me…I think to myself what for just so that you can hate me too once you become too familiar with me…I do have some friends still but my friends are few and far between…I have had to contend with many things on my own with no help from a soul…The ordeals I have experienced served to help me to become stronger and better for it…At forty eight years of age with short gray hair and a round belly…I am not a good catch…I would question why any man in his right mind would have any kind of interest in someone like me…I know I am not much…I do hurt I hurt a lot I shed many tears because in my life no one gives a shit about me…No one gives a rats ass about me in any real sense of the word…There are days when the only things that keep me going are my son who needs me Celine Dion Songs and the Serenity Prayer that I learned from being in twelve step recovery groups…”God grand me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to the change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”… Since folks have seen fit to tell me to drop dead and to wish the Covid-19 virus would hit me so as to cause me to drop dead…There are days I wish that I could just drop dead…There are days when I am angry that I am not yet dead…There are days when I am pissed that I am still alive after years of hell on earth I do not understand the what for…Meaning why it is I am still alive…There are days when I envy the dead for the dead no longer have to deal with this shit storm fucked up world…I do not let people into my personal space or into my life because my trust has been destroyed far too many times…I have been betrayed far too many times…I do not want to get to know another living soul on a personal level…For me friendship does not exist and love never existed for me…I thought that I had a lot to give that I had a lot to offer…But what I had to give was used and abused and trampled underfoot and what little I have left is not appreciated or valued so I give up…I accept this which is why I prefer to live like a little hobbit in the shire…I prefer to live alone to be alone to raise my son and to work with others professionally so in that sense I am not alone…On the personal level I will never love again…There were times when windows of opportunity were presented to me for love but those windows were always dashed against many a stone of hardened hearts and blind indifference…So I give up…A rule of thumb that has served me well anyway is this…I never dated men who worked in areas I needed public service in…I was always terrified that if that did not go well then availing of that public service would be very awkward for me…I am human I am small not much at all and very frail…At least I know my place in this shit storm world which is a very small space…All I ask is to be left in peace left alone in my own small space to raise my son to adulthood with the help of his awesome teachers to work part time and grow my blog and you tube…These are my gifts to the world…My blog and my you tube are my secondary gifts…My first gift is raising my son well so that one day he will do some good in this world and make a difference…I teach my son to care about the poor and down trodden and to care about his friends and family and to be always respectful and thankful to his teachers…To respect authority as a law abiding citizen of two countries both Ireland and America…Those are the gifts I have to give this world…These things and the men and women I guide when I work part time…My callers who call me for guidance and insight into their life situations…I have nothing else left to give and that is ok…We all have our limits..A woman asked me would I date again…My reply was easy and swift no way…Not after the hell I have been put through by men…I have no clue how to pick a decent man so I choose not to pick one at all…End of story case closed…Besides no man on earth wants to have anything to do with me…The men who show interest in me so far are narcissistic abusive types I see them coming and I make them run…I send them running because a man who cannot take no for an answer is a narcissist who has no business pursuing a woman like me in the first place…As a thank you for reading this reflection enjoy my footage from my You Tube Channel of our awesome time at Timanfaya National Park…

…………Namaste…………

Dromedary Ride – Bottom of Fire Mountain
Fire Mountain
…………Fire Mountain has not had any recent eruptions…………