Tragedies – Permission – A Reflection

These little reflections Tragedies and Permission were authored by Akiane kramarik between the ages of 7-11 in her book titled My Dream Is Bigger Than I – Memories of Tomorrow – Part Six Page 246 – “You will need your own copy of this book to view the full text of this poem.  I limit quotes for the purpose of discussion and to follow copyright guidelines that allows for limited quotes.”

The featured image I choose for this reflection is yours truly in another get up…My get up and go has not yet gotten up and left…I am developing my own concept of home theater…It is fun to dress up and to pose and to look nice along the way…I piece some crazy outfits together very inexpensively…That is what I love about America…Here in the USA you can hit up the dollar store the five n dime store and still look fab for pennies on the dime…Well not literally for pennies on a dime but inexpensively shall we say…I am into fake bling and I joke that I would be a robber’s worst nightmare since I do not have much and I am trying to get out of debt like many other consumers…At the end of this reflection I will share my latest home theater playlist which is tons of fun and yes it is home theater so as such it does not have to be good or professional…It can be a very bad show in my own comedic way and be lots of fun without the pressure of needing to be a professional theatrical persona…The jar in my hands is a lovely jar that contains cherries in syrup from Italy…I purchased this lovely jar at our local farm stand…In Tragedies Akiane writes…”tragedies come with the deepest memory currents”…I left out a good portion of that little reflection…In Permission Akiane writes…”Humiliation and shame is my own invention and permission is self torture”…I left out a small portion of this reflection as well…When I reflect on what Akiane is saying in these reflections what comes to me is this…Many of us experience tragedies in various forms…In my part time job I speak to folks from all over the world and from every walk of life…Actors who are members of the Screen Actors Guild wondering about their next big break and soldiers who know that I understand the need to never ever ask a soldier how they feel about the battles they have fought in wars around the world…Never ever ask a soldier off duty to speak of the battles they fought for to do so could trigger in that soldier a trauma based response and could also trigger a pattern of behavior that is not positive if that soldier is still recovering from the traumas that is war…Many of us myself included have many tragedies etched into our eternal memories and our eternal souls…So when my callers who are clearly hurting call I do my best to be kind…I can give you an example of what I mean by that here…Notice that I never name a soul from my job and also I do not advertise who I work for on my blog and you tube because I signed a contractual agreement never to reveal who I work for on other platforms…Also my work is sacred and I show all of my callers the respect and dignity they so richly deserve by keeping all entities separate…On one of my calls a lady called from California…God love her and God help her the first thing she did was call me “Bitch”…I was taken aback by this but I am a huge believer in what I call therapeutic cussing…And since I do not know this caller instead of allowing her cussing to upset me…I said to that lady…”Let me have it cuss away…I believe in therapeutic cussing and besides I do not know you therefore I am a safe person to vent to…I said someone or more than one person has silenced your voice…Whomever did this to you deserves a tongue lashing – go ahead let me have it…I further stated that I was taken aback or surprised by being called a “Bitch” but I said you need to talk to a safe person so have at it…Miraculously and remarkably my caller calmed down…She knew that I got her that I understood her because we share a similar crazy sense of humor…Consequently, she only cussed a few times but then no longer felt the need to cuss and then she shared with me her struggles…This is a highly educated and strong woman who sadly married an evil genius a highly educated and powerful male narcissist who had devalued his wife and was now discarding his wife in the discarding stage of the diabolical dance with this male narcissist…I will not share any more details except to say that my soothing voice and care and concern helped to calm this poor beleaguered and besieged woman so that within thirty minutes she was calm…I reassured her that she is not crazy and with her permission we discussed our parenting styles and I asked her for some parenting advice…I did this to remind this wife and mother that though her abusive horrible husband had devalued her and was now discarding her in a bitter divorce battle making divorcing him very difficult in her no fault state…I asked her for some parenting advice woman to woman to remind this poor woman that she still has lots of value and worth…At the end of our phone time she agreed to take a wee nap to recharge her batteries…I receive the fallout from various situations in the form of many phone calls…Some burdens like this lady’s burden I do my best to carry…Other burdens such as bad choices and stupidity I refuse to carry…In permission Akiane writes about how when we give ourselves permission to make bad choices we torture ourselves with undesirable outcomes…When we make bad choices we can often times recover and heal and be restored to sanity…Sadly some bad choices are irreparable and as such we must live with the consequences of bad choices for the rest of our lives…All the same there is always hope in that we must learn how to forgive ourselves first and let go of the tragedies of our past…My family cut me off years ago and rejected me at a very young age…Then when I became a single mother due to rape…I was ostracized by both my own family and the roman catholic church that I was once a member of…My mother was often very negative and would say things like “well you made your own bed so now you have to sleep in it.” My family abused me terribly and the only family member who ever thought to build me up with positive sayings was my own beloved now deceased father…Apart from my own father I was verbally abused and put down at every turn..Sure this could have destroyed me and yes for many years I was devalued and full of toxic shame…Once my family discarded me…It was only then that my own eternal journey of healing could begin and be fulfilled…I used to vacillate between feeling super confident and then crash and burn in feelings of no confidence and of total inferior devalued feelings…This process of vacillating presented as very bipolar and I was indeed diagnosed with bipolar due to the intensity of my emotions which were characterized as labile…The professionals who helped me to get better were right I had a serious mood disorder from years of abuse…Just before I moved back to Ireland my very kind and excellent doctor who wrote my prescriptions for my anxiety medication…Told me at one of my appointments that he knew that due to how much I was improving with my routine and well being that it was his professional opinion that I would NOT need to be on medicine for my whole life…That kind doctor was right…Upon my return to Ireland I obtained more family history which shed more light on why I behaved the way I did for so many years…How it was that I presented with bipolarity in my moods and how it was possible for me to heal…I discovered that I had Stockholm syndrome from years of being gaslighted by my horrible family…I received some counseling in Ireland plus I asked for a voluntary full mental health assessment and I was found to be compensating very well and to be stable…I was already confident that I was in great form but due to intense pressure placed on me by my well meaning but misguided GP or general practitioner doctor…Pressure placed on me to have a mental health assessment done due to gaslighting activities from horrible people for whom this well meaning and misguided GP doctor had become their “flying monkey”…To his credit that GP doctor told me to “cover my ass” and get that mental health assessment done…That “flying monkey” intimated that he seemed to think that I was stable…All the same I did not trust this “flying monkey” who crossed a number of boundaries with me and tried to get inside my head in a romantic way…By letting me know on no uncertain terms that he found me very attractive and was interested in me…I recognized some narcissistic tendencies in that man but to his credit he did right by both me and my son…I had to maintain serious boundaries and I never let him cross the line…To his credit he accepted my sincere apology for my own strong response to his demand that I get a mental health assessment done…He was also man enough and big enough to apologize to me by letting me know that he understood how it was I felt under pressure to have my own mental health assessed…I followed up with that GP or General Practitioner doctor and offered to have the results of my thorough mental health assessment sent to him for his records…I also sent that General Practitioner doctor hard evidence of the gaslighting done about me behind my back in the form of a file that I asked that he keep for his records…I also provided that hard evidence to the local Garda for their records which they appreciated and when I sent that to them they wished me well in America…Justice does not exist in this life however that General Practitioner medical doctor to his credit gave me a voice as did the local Garda…Which means the world to me…Because for years my small voice was silenced…We all have narcissistic tendencies…In my story I found that General Practitioner doctor to be reasonable and fair but I did have to deal with him under certain boundaries that I enforced in my own small way…I am grateful to tell my readers and you tube viewers that I got better from years of hell on earth…That if I can get well by learning how to cope then so can you as long as your condition is not chronic you too can over come as I did…Even with chronic conditions learning how to cope is key…As a thank you for reading this reflection…Enjoy my latest playlist called Home Theater…Also enjoy my latest song titled Flying Monkey inspired by my own years of studies done independently on the problem of Narcissism found in domestic violence and abusive types…In my latest song I figure out that I am alright but the person on the other line is not safe…My song is inspired by Amy Winehouse’s song titled You Know I’m No Good…Flying Monkey is a term used in the field of psychology to describe those who spread nasty rumors and gossip participating often unwittingly in the destruction of the mental health and characters of the one or ones targeted by the male or female narcissist spreading vile gossip and rumors…I will share Amy Winehouse’s epic song and video on my blog to showcase the artist who inspired this song in me titled Flying Monkey…I also include my silly skit showcasing my crazy sense of humor about Big Wigs to understand this watch my clip…………

…………Namaste…………

…………Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good – Inspires me for all eternity…………
…………My crazy sense of humor for ya…Yeah I talk to big wigs too cause I got big wigs to talk to which in my case are actual big wigs…Holla…………