By Faith – A Reflection

This poem titled By Faith was authored by Akiane kramarik at age 9 in her book titled My Dream Is Bigger Than I – Memories of Tomorrow – Part Three Pages 110-111 “You will need your own copy of this book to view the full text of this poem.  I limit quotes for the purpose of discussion and to follow copyright guidelines that allows for limited quotes.”

This poem By Faith consists of six stanzas with six lines each and takes up two pages in Akiane’s book pages 110 and 111…The photograph I choose for this reflection is of my son and I during our time at Timanfaya National Park in Lanzarote the Canary Islands…This poem talks about a desert which is why I choose this desert photograph…Wow this poem is very mystical and I have difficulty grasping the depths of this poem written by a nine year old child a girl with wisdom beyond her years…A Binary Genius!!!…I will quote the last stanza leaving it up to you the reader to purchase this book to read the rest of this brilliant poem..The last stanza says…”My breath is nailed on the cross, and for decades it smells like a steel hammer following your pain free face. At last, desert wind blows away my footprints, so I could follow you by faith.” To me the reader this poem talks about blind faith the ability to follow in blind faith…Billions around the world are afraid of blind faith and are too scared to have more than a certain number of children…Consequently the human child has been reduced to an opinion a choice an option to be kept or discarded at will…As a mother I must say if I knew everything I would go through in advance I would not have been so fearless. However, I operated on blind faith and trusted the God of life the God of my understanding and this God of life my creator saw me through…Life is not easy for all of us regardless of our circumstances…Life is full of challenges and has its ups and downs…For me the greatest gift I received as part of my own healing process is the ability to cope…There are days when I feel spiritually and emotionally drained and literally bankrupt…Empty like an empty vessel…So on those days I rest I decide it is a turtle day for me and so like a little turtle I retreat…I go on a personal retreat in my own home and get lots of rest…This rest and quiet time serves to refresh me and rejuvenate…me spiritually and emotionally…For me what hurt me deeply over the years were false friends…Mostly women and some men who posed as friends and demanded my trust and loyalty only to betray me…i was betrayed at every turn and screwed over at every turn which caused me to question humanity…I know in my own humanity I am small and weak and not important and that I do not matter much to anyone save my own child and my puppy…For my child and my puppy I am their world and they both love me very much and I love them…Other than this small universe which I call me realm my own nebula…I do not mean anything to anyone…There are times when I do feel very lost and yes I get sad and shed tears…The sad part of my story is I prefer the pain of being lonely to the pain of abuse and the pain of being horribly treated by false friends…Dua Lipa is a famous singer and very talented too and she sings a song called scared to be lonely…This song is very raw and very real and Dua Lipa sings about toxic relationships that we know are bad for us yet many people are too scared to be lonely so they hang on to toxic relationships…I am not scared to be lonely I prefer the pain of being lonely to the hurt and pain of abusive toxic relationships and false friends…Our modern society wants us to embrace the concept of having friends with benefits which are friends with whom you have sex…Over the years when I was not living my best life I tried the friends with benefits thing…These men were single and so was I so I thought what the hell why not???…After all I was a modern woman and everybody else was doing it so why not I???…After I became a mother which really humbled me and brought me to my knees…All of that changed for me…I promised my little boy that I would not bring men around and I stuck to that promise…I was too terrified of bringing men around because I would have no idea whether or not a man would be only posing as interested in me so as to access my child for abuse…I was not willing to take that kind of risk so I choose not to date and to this day I still do not date…No more friends with benefits…Besides men do not act the way they should and to be fair neither do women…Both sides have forgotten how to behave and how to act…Women and men view each other these days as sex objects to be used for pleasure…There are many couples who are genuinely devoted to each other so this discussion does not apply to devoted couples who are sincere and committed to each other with no infidelities…Many today though are lost to friends with benefits or affairs or infidelities in various forms…I had to accept many things that were very difficult for me to accept and yes the truth hurts…The truth hurts like a bitch at times…As hurtful as the truth can be I prefer the authenticity and the audacity of truth than the cowardice of living a lie…The cowardice of believing what I want to believe…It is easy for many myself included to deceive ourselves into believing what we want to believe to be true letting our imaginations go wild and as such many invent their own personal Jesus Christ and their own God…I would love to believe that a man might love me some day that some day some man will take an interest in me…I would love to believe this…My truth is this…No man will ever be interested in me because I am not a good catch…I am not a desirable catch…I do not have much I never had much and I am not much…I am very small…Men scare me I am terrified of men and I do not understand men at all…I am glad that I have no idea how to seduce a man…I have no idea how to win a man over or how to get a man to love me…I was never good at that…Sure I had sex with men who found me sexy and attractive simply for sex full stop…Nothing more and nothing less…My truth is this…I never mattered to men no man ever truly loved me as a woman as a human being flaws and all…I see couples all the time who are madly in love with each other who are devoted to each other and I rejoice for them because these couples found something special…There is an Irish saying that goes like this…If something is for you it will not pass you…So I believe certain men and women are meant to be united as couples and very happy and content couples too…As for me I am nothing but a piece of ass to be had for sex…If I wanted to I could have sex five or six days a week with five or six different sex partners…Sure I could do that but I risk getting a nasty disease living that way and I risk pregnancy too and becoming a single mother again…That is why I choose not to date…I cannot deal with men…I cannot deal with the drama and the bullshit and the pressure that comes with dating men…I am glad I do not have to worry about impressing a man or pleasing a man…I have been fucked over so many times I have lost count…I have been raped spiritually and emotionally and physically and financially so many times I have lost count…My life has been nothing but shit bullshit for years…I suppose I could say my life is nothing but a stupid dumb ass joke and the joke is always on me…I have experienced many devastations and there are times I wonder why the hell am I still alive and what the hell am I here for??? I question my life’s purpose at times as I often feel like a boat out to sea floating aimlessly with no anchor…For someone like me love does not exist I mean nothing to anyone…I never meant anything to anyone and the tragedy is this…For years I was desperate to find a man…I felt desperate for a man…Sure like many women and men all I wanted was to get married and have children…The good news for me is this..I get to be a mother to a wonderful son and I have a lovely puppy and a decent simple life…No I never married and I will never get married…I manage miraculously at times on my own with no help…All men did to me was put me down rape me rob me blind of my dignity my self respect and one man a lawyer stooped so low as to refer to my child as a “crumb cruncher.” These people are despicable horrible people who have no idea how things they say affects those around them…Many men and women like this are narcissistic beastly people who never say sorry for a thing because they are too proud…I know I mean nothing to people and I am nothing and my own family would prefer that I was dead…To my own family I am dead to them anyway except I still live much to their consternation…I was told a few days ago to “drop dead” by a horrible man…Well perhaps I will drop dead one of these days from exhaustion and fatigue…I am sick and tired of abuse and I am sick and tired of false friends…So if I drop dead that would make the miserable fiends who hate me happy…My story is fucking depressing and my life has been nothing but shit bullshit piled high and deep…Yet I keep going and somehow despite my shitty fucked up stupid life…I somehow keep going and manage to be happy despite the fuckers who want me dead…What I mean by that statement is horrible people who hate my guts so much so they want me dead…I have experienced much hatred to last many lifetimes…The most hurtful kind of hatred came from false friends…That was the worst kind of hate I experienced…A horrible woman named Sara comes to mind…Someone whom I met in person a number of times…This nasty woman told others that she thinks that I am the seed of the devil and that my holy innocent child is also the seed of the devil…I was told this…This woman has a horrible history of verbally abusing me and attacking me with angry glares and verbal abuse…This woman is Roman Catholic and is an abortion survivor…Her own birth mother tried to abort Sara via legal homicide…Sara tells anyone who will listen her story…Sara never knew that I was raped which is how I became a single mother…I never told Sara that I was raped…All Sara knew was that I was impregnated by a Roman Catholic Priest…As a result of this knowledge Sara and others like her viciously verbally abused me and verbally attacked me behind my back…This abuse got so bad that others told me what Sara was doing to me behind my back…A man named Doug apologized to me for Sara’s horrible vicious verbal attacks…Doug never owed me an apology for he had done nothing wrong…These types of verbal attacks are wretched and horrible and destroys the character of the target so as to render the target rotten in the eyes of many…I wrote a song titled Sara B – the seed of the ould devil…As a thank you for reading this reflection…I hope you will listen to this song which is how I cope with years of hell on earth…Thanks in large part to the dirty rotten scummy filthy Roman Catholic Cult like church which I no longer identify with or as…In my song I tell Sara off which is very Cathartic for me…While my family is not close due to systemic abuse in Ireland from the Roman Catholic Church…Both of my parents to their credit welcomed all eight of us with open arms…My mother was conditioned by years of systemic abuse in the Irish School system in the 1930’s and 1940’s and into the 1950’s to hate single mothers like me her own daughter whom my poor mother is conditioned to hate..My mother does not hate me it is just that because she is not well due to years of hell on earth as a child in Ireland my poor mother has forgotten how to forgive and how to act towards me her own daughter…This song that I wrote is a mystical song addressing the many murders of the tongue done by vicious women like Sara B who gossip and boast incessantly about how wonderful they are. Women like that are too proud and full of themselves to make room for any God of any kind. There is too much of Sara to make room for anything else in her life…Sara is someone I do not miss and I am glad I do not see this horrible woman anymore…