White Kisses – A Reflection

This poem titled White Kisses  was authored by Akiane kramarik at age 9 in her book titled My Dream Is Bigger Than I – Memories of Tomorrow – Part Three Page 98.  “You will need your own copy of this book to view the full text of this poem.  I limit quotes for the purpose of discussion and to follow copyright guidelines that allows for limited quotes.”

This poem titled White Kisses consists of three stanzas with six lines each.  The photograph I choose for this reflection is me with two Dolphins on the Canary Islands.  This poem white Kisses talks about how “Dolphins are only loyal to the ocean.”  Which inspired me to choose this photograph…To me the reader this poem is an allegory of life in the womb.  To other readers this poem could mean something totally different.  That is the beauty of the wisdom of Akiane when she said that the you or I in her prose was left open to the interpretation of her readers.  What a brilliant statement and such great wisdom in a young girl.  I will quote from the first stanza but purposely not quote the rest of the poem to encourage my readers to purchase your very own copy of Akiane’s book online and to follow copyright guidelines that allows for limited quotes for purposes of discussion.  The first stanza opens with these lines “There are plenty of guesses from shallow to deep in the young ocean.  Each time I move, something inside does not belong to life.  My eyes water from saltwater.”  To me the reader this stanza describes life in the womb.  The ocean of the waters of the womb.  The waters of the womb of a mother is supposed to be the safest place for unborn children.  The young ocean describes the waters of the womb.  Then the child in the womb laments as follows.  “something inside does not belong to life.  My eyes water from saltwater.”  To me the reader this describes saline abortion and the vile methods used to murder children in the womb.  First trimester abortions are just as heinous as second and third trimester abortions.  In the first trimester in a saline abortion the amniotic fluid is replaced with vile saline solution hell bent on burning the eyes and body of that helpless child.  Abortion is the worst war ever unleashed upon our species the war on the child and the mother the war on the womb.  Soft speech got us to this point and too many innocent mothers elect for abortion on demand only to experience devastation afterwards.  Too many innocent mothers who are ignorant as to the realities of what abortion really and truly is.  Suffer for the rest of their lives from depression and a grief of loss of their own unborn children.  Too many innocent mothers are robbed of their own unborn children due to soft speech and lies and deceits hell bent on destroying both child and mother. For all post abortive women out there know your rights even if you do not regret your abortion know your rights.  If you experience excessive bleeding or discover to your horror that you suffered damage from your abortion that was not remedied such as a perforated uterus or damaged cervix.  Then you can file a complaint with the department of health in your state or area that covers complaints against physicians, physician assistants and nurse practitioners under a breach of standard care.  Abortion is a breach of standard care as it is.  Post abortive women do not allow toxic shame to stop you in your tracks.  Regardless of whether or not you regret your abortion you have rights.  If you suffer from depression after your abortion and was not given proper follow up care then you must file a breach of standard of care complaint.  This will generate correspondence that you can then take to a solicitor for litigation.  Now I am not an attorney and I make no claim to be an authority on a thing.   What I want post abortive women to know is this.  You have rights and know your rights and do not let toxic shame stop you in your tracks.  I am part of the me too movement as well.  It is my hope that more and more post abortive women will become better informed as to their rights and to by all means file a breach of standard care complaint if you never got proper care or follow up.  This includes a thorough detailed explanation including videos of what abortion really is at least 72 hours prior to your abortion.  If this was not done and particularly if you regret your abortion.  You have rights.  Know your rights and file that breach of standard of care complaint.  You will find what you need online for your state and file that complaint.  This will generate correspondence and will force the medical field in your state to investigate your complaint which is required under the laws and by laws in the respective states to ensure quality of care is not being breached.  Once you get correspondence you can take that correspondence to an attorney for litigation and you may be entitled to compensation for your losses not limited to pain and suffering but including the loss of your child.  You have rights fight for your rights and do not let toxic shame silence  you.  My hope is that many post abortive women regardless of how they feel about their abortions will not allow toxic shame to stop them in their tracks and to fight for their rights particularly for compensation for pain and suffering.  Post abortive women you all suffered so much and many of you are often left out in the cold in a cruel and merciless world that forgets that post abortive women suffer too.  To post abortive fathers too if you are still speaking to the woman who aborted your child.  If she is suffering and is regretting her abortion you two can unite forces and unite and as a couple file that breach of standard of care complaint.  Fathers are able to do this too and fight for your rights to compensation for the loss of your own child.  Post abortive men and women suffer terribly and you are often left out in the cold in this cruel and merciless world.    Fathers have no say in whether or not their own child lives or dies and too many fathers have lost their fatherhood to lies and deceit and soft speech encouraging unsuspecting mothers to elect for abortion on demand.  I have never had an abortion ever.  I got pregnant one time in my life due to rape in the form of sexual misconduct and coerced sex.  A form of rape.  I loved the father of my child which is not a crime.  The crime committed on the part of the father of my child was that he used me for sex and boasted about this and set both myself and my child up to fail.  What was done to me was horrible.  All the same does what was done to me mean that my innocent child growing in the waters the ocean of my womb deserves cruel and merciless punishment for the crimes of its father?  I say not!!!  Ya know if your child ever says to you as they grow up.  Statements such as “why did you not abort me?”  Children will sometimes say things like that.  The reply you give your child is this.  Because “I am not cruel and merciless.”  Lets face it not one of us parents are perfect and I never claimed to be perfect.  I would take a bullet for my child.  There are days my child gets lippy with me and talks back and yes I am guilty of becoming upset by this.  I make sure my child is well fed and is loved and regardless of whether or not we are getting along.  I see to it that my child gets a daily hug a daily prayer that he hears the words I love you son at least once daily and that he knows regardless of how lippy he may get with me that I his mother would take a bullet for my child.  One day I was very upset with my growing boy who is now 11 years old and can be very mouthy at times.  Oh I was quite upset with him.  All the same it was time for lunch to be served so I saw to it that my growing boy got well fed.  He got his lunch regardless.  My son apologized to me that day and my son thanks me regularly for taking good care of him.  Love is patient and kind and love is not cruel and merciless.  While there are times and I think many parents can relate to this.  Yes there are times we as parents can be mad as heck with our kiddos.  All the same most parents will see to it that their beloved child challenge though he or she be or beloved children for larger families are always loved and well fed and nurtured.  As women we are naturally nurturing and nurturers.  It is not natural to abort our own unborn children that is not natural for female nurturing women to do.  Sure raising children is a challenge for the best among us.  Showing our children unconditional love is not always easy either.  The test of love is are you as a mother and father going to be there no matter what for your growing child your growing challenging child.  Many times sad to say parents abandon their own children.  This happens often when divorce occurs.  It is fair to say that yes divorce is often necessary and if a divorce means that mom and dad get along better living apart then ok.  I have a sister who went through the trauma of a divorce.  I observed my sister as she went through this terrible trying time.  I admire my sister for the way she handled her divorce.  Yes it was a bumpy time for my sister and my sister once joked that she would like me her sister to hit the delete button on some of the things my sister did during that trying time.  So I have hit the delete button on some things my sister did during the time of her divorce and her rebounds after her divorce.  What I admire most about my sister is as follows.  My sister really loves her two children.  She has a boy and a girl and they are both young adults now and both of them are doing great.  Now I am not close to my sister but it is my hope that if my sister ever stumbles upon this reflection that my sister will know how much I admire her.  I admire my sisters strength during those years.  My sister was working full time as a nurse she also purchased her own home on her own with little help.  My sister to this day last time I knew works full time and part time to support her house and home.  My sister is not perfect and like myself my sister never claimed to be perfect.  My sister loves her two children.  I was concerned for a time that my sister favored her daughter more than her son.  I no longer think this way.  It is plain to me that my sister loves both of her children equally and has bonded with both of them individually and in a unique way.  Unique to each child.  I know my sister’s children love their mother and their father very much.  The way my sister handled her divorce which was not easy and was a very stressful time was in my eyes very graceful despite bumps along the way.  My sister never thought to deprive the father of her children his rights as their father.  This thought never occurred to my sister from what I could see and I limit what I say to my observations.  My sister’s ex-husband who was not always good or nice to my sister had an affair with another woman while married to my sister.  I am not angry with my sister’s ex-husband any more for this.  Though at the time I was incensed.  I was very angry and I wondered how could that man do this to my sister and his own children?  Well to be fair he had his own set of problems that he needed to sort out.  That man needed to sort himself out.  To my sister’s credit though she was deeply hurt by her ex-husband’s affair and bad treatment of my sister.  My sister saw to it that the children they had as a couple were not deprived of time spent with their father.  This was hard for my sister but she did not interfere with that.  Again this is based on my observations which are limited in the scope of my observations leaving out what other family members saw then as I cannot speak for them.  I can only speak for myself.  I do this here and now.  My sister held onto her full time job and picked up part time work.  And as her boy and girl grew up they learned by my sisters example how to love their own mother and their father.  Yes this was a divorced family but my sister made it work to the best of her ability.  I really do admire my sister for how she handled that divorce.  My sister has done a great  job raising that boy and girl.  Their father has done some work to sort himself out and while I have not had much interaction with my sister’s ex-husband it seems that he is happier now too.  Sometimes divorce is needed particularly if the couple are not getting along.  It is not good for children to live in a home where the parents are fighting.  As the years passed I appreciate my sister’s ex-husbands new partner.  They have two children together too.  They have a set of twins together.  It seems they are very happy and the twins are growing up and appear to be very loved and doing very well.  My sister’s ex-husbands partner seems to be very nice I met her once or twice and I liked her at once.  I always liked her.  I did not hate her she was so likeable and nice it was impossible not to like her.  I could see why my sister’s ex-husband loved her too.  I admire my sister’s ex-husband for being big enough to divorce my sister and to admit the marriage was not working out and to then continue his new life with his new partner with whom he is now much happier.  I admire both my sister and her ex-husband and his new partner for their ability to navigate the difficulties of dealing with broken family life.  I admire all of them for this.  Not long after my sisters divorce and I do not recall the year my sister got divorced.  But some short years following my sisters divorce our own beloved father fell ill and was very sick.  My sister to her credit took great care of our father.  My sister is a nurse an RN and an excellent nurse too.  My sister took in my father who was now dying from complications from post polio syndrome and other complications.  My sister would be much better versed as the nurse in our family to describe my fathers deteriorating condition back then.  Though my sister and I did not get along the best.  I will be eternally grateful to my sister for the following.  I phoned my sister and asked her permission to spend time with our beloved father.  My sister granted me this which was very big of my sister because I could be a pain to deal with.  I was able to with my sisters consent to spend valuable time with my dying father.  My father had eight of us and my father bonded with all eight of us individually and uniquely.  Out of the eight of us it was my beloved sister who was able to rise to the occasion and take excellent care of our father before he passed away.  My sister saw to it that hospice care was provided to my father and we had an excellent hospice care provider whom I also met a few times who was an angel.  My father received excellent care.  I will never forget this emotional time.  I tear up as I write this.  One day my sister was home from work and my father had not been well enough for some time to get out of bed and sit by the table for a cup of tea.  Something our father really loved to do.  Well this particular day by the grace of God my sister was given the joy of seeing our beloved father sitting at the table asking for a cup of tea.  My father was in a lot of pain during those days.  So for him to sit by the table for a cup of tea was no small feat.  It was like my father had climbed a mountain.  My sisters cried and was over joyed to see our father sitting at the table.  The time before my father’s death was a hard time for our family and a stressful time for my sister.  That time brought our family closer and all of us spent time with our dad.  Our oldest brother was serving a prison sentence then and was on very good excellent behavior while in prison.  I visited my oldest brother during  his time in prison.  I have a lovely letter that my brother wrote to me during his time in prison.  I saved that letter it was the nicest letter I ever got from my brother.  Due to excellent behavior while in prison my brother was allowed the privilege of attending his own father’s funeral.  Yes my brother could only go to our fathers funeral as a prisoner on leave in hand cuffs.  All the same our brother was able to attend the funeral.  It must have been very hard for my brother not to be able to spend time with his father before he died.  My brother got out of prison and is working hard on himself.  He is in recovery now for alcohol addiction and last I heard he is learning a new skill.  My brother is working on  himself and I told my brother that I am very pleased he is working on himself and I encouraged my brother to put himself first.  If that means that he cannot talk to me one of his sisters who can be difficult and a pain to deal with so be it.  I am so grateful and pleased that my brother is working in himself and putting himself first.  Our family my family have not had it easy to be sure and we have yet to learn how to get along.  On my part I found it very difficult to mend broken bridges with my family.  Try as I might no amount of apologies were ever good enough.  So I gave up I stopped trying to fix what could not be fixed.  There are some things that simply cannot be fixed.  Instead like my oldest brother is now doing.  I decided to work on myself.  I also went into rehab years ago for 30 days for my gambling addiction.  I worked very hard on myself including twelve step meetings years of intense counseling and I got better too.  The sad part is my family are not able to see that I got better and that I am doing better.  The tragedy is most of my family sees me as the crazy family member.  That is tragic as I have worked very hard to improve and get well.  I was labeled years ago by my own family as crazy and I suppose I will never lose that label in their eyes.  I cannot fix that label that my family gave me.  The best I can do is to continue to work on myself which is a lifelong process and journey.  I work on myself for myself for no one else but myself.  At the end of the day while I hurt feelings during the bumpy years of not being well.  The only person I hurt the most was myself.  It is true that hurting people hurt other people yet hurting people usually hurt themselves the most for they are the ones hurting the most.  I suffered years of hurt it was only after I committed myself to working on myself for myself that I got better.  I had to learn to forgive myself too.  I have forgiven myself my many faults.  I have to because if I fail to forgive myself I will remain in a vicious cycle of self hatred self loathing that is not good or healthy for me.  I hope these little reflections help others too.  We all must learn to love ourselves first and to put ourselves first.  This is not selfish this is very Christian based because it is only when we learn how to love ourselves put ourselves first that we can come to terms with ourselves forgive ourselves and then and only then can we love our neighbor as ourselves as the true Jesus Christ asks us to do.  I am able to love my sister and my family from a distance.  I have forgiven myself first so that I can forgive my family too even if they do not see a need for forgiveness or the need to ask for forgiveness I forgive them anyway just as I have learned to forgive myself first.  I see many people today caught up in a web of self loathing self hatred for mistakes they made in the past.  That is not good for any of us.  I say this the time has come to forgive yourself.  I wrote a song titled forgive yourself.  You can listen to it at the end of this reflection.  To my beloved sister and my family this reflection is for you.  I am sorry we are not close and that we have yet to learn how to get along.  I hope that should  you stumble upon this reflection some day.  That you will know that you are loved and forgiven.  For years I was not heard by my own family or believed by my own family.  This hurt me deeply and set me up to hate myself.  Well I have since forgiven myself and others who hurt me along the way.  To everyone who reads this reflection who had hard lives.  I say this the time has come to forgive yourself because a graver evil befell us all and it is not our fault we were abused.  It is not the fault of our abusive parents either if they were abusive types for chances are very high our parents were accessed for abuse as children outside their homes or in their homes by vile predatory child abusive types.  Child abuse is horrible and creates a cycle of abuse that can go from generation to generation.  It is for this reason that I have forgiven my imperfect parents everything for I have learned to forgive myself.  By the grace of God I broke the cycle of abuse in our home.  I did that through years of hard work including many years of intense counseling and therapy.  To all the medical professionals and counselors who  helped me to reach my goals and get better.  This reflection is for you too.  This reflection is really for every walk of life for everyone really.  I like to say if you do not like what I have to say simply x out and move on and read something you like to read.  It’s that simple.  To all my twelve step friends over the years this write up is for you too.  I no longer gamble for a thing.  I like to say this though.  I believe that the God of life is a gambler and that this God of life took a hell of a gamble giving mankind free will.  My feeble mind will never be able to understand the mentality of a creative genius the God of life when this God endowed mankind with free will.  Thank you for reading this reflection and enjoy my song called forgive yourself for the time has come to forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself first so that you can forgive others and learn to love your neighbor like yourself as Jesus Christ teaches us to do.  Enjoy my song titled The time is now to forgive yourself.  As a thank you for reading this reflection enjoy my playlist from YouTube titled Dolphins are awesome….Beneath that playlist you will find my song titled Forgive yourself….