Heart-Strings – A Reflection

This poem titled Heart-Strings  was authored by Akiane kramarik at age 9 in her book titled My Dream Is Bigger Than I – Memories of Tomorrow – Part Three Page 81.  “You will need your own copy of this book to view the full text of this poem.  I limit quotes for the purpose of discussion and to follow copyright guidelines that allows for limited quotes.”

This poem Heart-Strings consists of two stanzas with eight lines each.  The photograph I choose for this reflection is a work of art depicting music the art of music with music strings from a fiddle….Music is wonderful and I love music…The heart can be played like a fiddle by a fiddler of hearts who plays with tarts…meaning promiscuity that is so rampant these days…Promiscuity feeds the contraception and abortion industries…Less promiscuity less disease less pregnancies and no need for contraception or abortions…If mankind played by the rules given by the God of life we would not be the shipwrecked mess we are today…This poem by Akiane titled Heart Strings address the problem of pride which is the root of mankind’s many problems and woes…The opening line opens with these prophetic profound words “When we bear offspring to pride, it is hard to give it up – ”  So very true.  Many today are filled with luciferian diabolical pride and are too full of themselves to make room for a god of any kind in their lives never mind the God of life.  Many today are in love with what I call deities and what I also call concepts ideas and beliefs that are false.  This is so pervasive today that many today only believe what they want to believe.  This has created generations of dammed reprobate lost souls.  Young and old who think only of themselves and believe only what they want to believe.  To highlight this all one has to do is look around.  The culture we live in particularly in the Western world is a culture of death.  Suicide rates among our youth is pandemic. Our young people do not know how to cope or to deal with reality.  Many young people turn to drugs and alcohol and other sins and vices too long to list here to cope.  These vices destroys their lives and the lives of those around them.  Too many today are miserable wretches lost in marriages gone horribly wrong in what I call diabolical unions bad marriages.  People in those situations are miserable and make the lives of others in their lives miserable as well.  Toxic shame has destroyed many from the inside and outside which explains then why many families are so dysfunctional today as many families are filled with toxic shame and this toxic shame is like a bad rash contagious and dangerous and is spread like a bad rash to others in their lives.  The second stanza of this poem Heart-Strings opens with these lines “With a kicked ball inside the eye and a cast for our faces we find ourselves crushed in the mirror – White is the color we have never seen…”  I limit my quotes to these quotes to follow copyright guidelines that allows for limited quotes for purposes of discussion and to encourage my readers to purchase your very own copy of this wonderful book of poems from Akiane online.  To appreciate these reflections more fully it is best to purchase your own copy of Akiane’s book online to follow along.  To me the reader of this poem I sincerely do believe that many of us have seen a false white a false purity and too many today parading in white like bulls on parade acting holy and good and like gods or goddesses unto themselves yet are cesspools of filthy lies and deceit.  Our world is very corrupt these days and I would say this that all flesh upon the earth is corrupted.  After all too many today choose pride over character and the fallout is massive.  A war on all flesh has already been waged and won by the devil himself.  While too many filled with pride focus on things that you cannot take with you when you die.  The devil himself is busy devouring our children our youth and adults with his luciferian false deities and ideologies.  Many today become like the things they hate and many today get caught up in the evils they themselves once despised and continue to despise.  To understand what I mean by this.  Look at the self loathing many people today experience.  Self hatred and self loathing is found in the vast suffering among young and old.  Anorexia Nervosa is a condition that is very serious and if left untreated those affected often die a slow painful death from willful starvation.  Men and women are affected by Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia.  Now I am not a health care professional so naturally I leave it to the health care professionals to do what they do so very well which is to help those who suffer from conditions like this.  Self hatred and self loathing is what leads many to become mentally unwell and or mentally unstable.  This self hatred and self loathing is at the root of many mental health problems .   Again the medical professionals know best.  Such as if a person reading this reflection suffers from mental health trouble.  It is a good idea to do what the mental health professionals ask you to do.  Such as taking medicine and going to counseling.  Too many today mix alcohol with medicine which is deadly.  If you are taking medicine for any condition not just mental health then do not mix your medicine with alcohol as that is a deadly poisonous combination.  I say this because many both young and old do not really listen to their doctors most doctors do care about their patients and clients.  Doctors can only do so much and help so much it is up to the person to do what is asked to be well stay well and get better every day.  I say this because I had wonderful doctors help me to get well and stay well.  I struggled with mental health trouble for a long time as well.  I had complex post traumatic stress disorder and also as a new mother I suffered from post partum depression.  During those hard times.  I did exactly what the professionals told me to do.  I took my medicine went to counseling and worked very hard on myself to get better.  The miracle is this.  I got better I became stronger every day.  I managed to lose 40lbs along the way.  I got fitter too.  The greatest gift I received was the ability to cope.  I finally learned how to cope.  That is the greatest gift.  Life to this day remains hard for me at times as life is hard for all of us.  Life is a struggle for all of us.  Not one of us has it easy.  I find this to be the case regardless of our social status wealth or walk in life.  I encourage folks on medicine to not mix alcohol or other substances with their medicines.  When Dolores O’Riordan the lead singer for the Rock band called the Cranberries died. I was living in Ireland at the time.  I was very sad upon hearing this because Dolores O’Riordan would be in my age group.  I am 47 years old.   Dolores O’Riordan was born in 1971 I was born in 1972 and both of us were born in Ireland.  I cannot speak for Dolores O’Riordan though from what was said of her life it is plain for all to see that Dolores O’Riordan did not have it easy either.  I will now speak for myself here.  Growing up in Ireland in the 1970’s and 1980’s was hard going and not easy.  I had a hard life growing up in Ireland as well.  For many children growing up around the world these days it is not easy it is hard as hell.  For many children myself included there are hidden abuses that take place behind closed doors not visible to the outside world.  This was true when I was growing up. I had a wonderful father who was kind and loving and loved to play his accordian.  It is from my father that I got the gift of music as it was my father who taught me how to play my tin whistle also known as a penny whistle.  Now my father was an alcoholic like many Irish my father was bad with the drink.  Other than this we had a wonderful father.  Our mother is alive and well today and is doing very well.  I am not close to my own mother due to systemic abuse that went on in Ireland or more than a century.  This systemic abuse produced a crop of abusive types which is what my own mother is to this day.  An abusive type.  Someone who when it comes to me her own daughter is categorically unable to say sorry for a thing and someone who is always right no matter what and someone who has bad mouthed me behind my back ever since I was old enough to speak and did so much damage to my name and character that this damage is irreparable.  Irreparable among my siblings whom my mother conditioned and taught my siblings to hate my guts.  My siblings were abusive as well and this abuse was encouraged and accepted in our home.  My siblings would only say sorry if it suited them to do so.  Otherwise not one of them is truly sorry for a thing done to me.  Instead all I was filled with were lies upon lies and deceit and hate speech and told that “I was no good – good for nothing – useless” etc.  The list is too long to list here.  The verbal abuse I got in our home was the worst this verbal abuse destroyed me on the inside and I was for years very insecure and fragmented and damaged by this verbal abuse.  I call my mother once every three months these conversations last no longer than five minutes usually three minutes.  My mother has never met my son her own grandchild because I am a single mother.  My mother has been conditioned to hate single mothers and my mother hates me and my child.  I offered to fly out to meet my mother and she has no interest in this neither has she any interest in meeting her own grandson.  The reason I call my mother every three months is because she will always be my birth mother.  Also I do this because while my mother may not understand herself or how she operates.  I understand better the dynamics behind what made my mother the woman she is today.  I do not defend that my mother is an abusive type not at all.  However, my mother has no idea why she is the way she is and growing up in our home our own family could not understand my mother either.  To be fair my mother was always an excellent cook and we were always very well fed.  We never wanted for food in our home.  Also both my parents were excellent providers and with eight children to feed and my father’s alcohol addiction it was no small feat keeping all eight of us well fed.  I say this to give both my parents the credit they so richly deserve.  They were excellent providers and great cooks.  My father cooked for us as well.  The last time I called my mother I told her we had recently moved and that we are doing very well.  That conversation lasted three minutes I was sure to thank my mother for her prayers.  My mother prays every day of her life and she does go to church regularly as well.  My mother has always shown a desire to be good and has prayed for many things over the years which are good intentions.  My mother is not a wolf in sheep’s clothing not at all.  My mother is not intentionally wicked or bad.  My mother would not intentionally harm anyone.  My mother never asked me to forgive her because my mother does not know how to say sorry for a thing.  My mother has no idea how horrible she was to me.  I limit this discussion to my experiences growing up in my home because my siblings’ experiences are unique to them.  Growing up in my home I often heard my parents say the following phrases which I quote here:  “children are to be seen and not heard.”  and “spare the rod and spoil the child”.  This is what was indoctrinated in to my parents growing up in Ireland.  My parent’s generation were taught to ignore their children and to abuse their children by both ignoring their children and beating their children.  This set up Irish families like ours to fail so that if a true wolf in sheep’s clothing a vile pedophile priest or man raped or molested any child the children in Ireland were systemically categorically ignored by their own parents who would often beat their children for telling their parents they were being molested by a pedophile which was often the prelates in the Roman Catholic Church and other churches.  Often times in Ireland the older generation would simply beat their boys and girls more for telling their parents they were being abused.  This is truly horrible and is what Akiane talks about in this poem. Pride over character was chosen by my parents generation which produced a crop of narcissists who are diabolical in nature and unsafe people.  It is true “white is a color we have never seen…”  Though many today parade around in white it is not a color known to modern man.  White to me represents purity and it is fair to say purity today is no longer found.  The children today are still ignored and abused and treated like trash.  Nothing has changed much and too many today only believe what they want to believe.  I mention Dolores O’Riordan in my reflection because both of us were born in Ireland in the 1970’s.  Also Dolores’s music inspired me and many others.  The news said that Dolores O’Riordan was found dead in a bath tub from a combination of alcohol and medicine.  Dolores was put on medicine for mental trouble according to the news.  If that is true and Dolores mixed alcohol with her medicine then that combination is truly deadly.  Many of us growing up in Ireland suffered from mental trouble.  I am no exception I suffered from mental trouble for a long time as well.  There is a stigma associated with mental trouble many of us who suffered from mental trouble were often filled with toxic shame so pervasive this toxic shame destroyed many of us from the inside out.  I wonder if Dolores O’Riordan experienced this toxic shame.  Show business is a hell of  a business and the music industry chews you up and spits you out like a peace of meat.  Well to me singers are not just pieces of meat and while I never knew Dolores O’Riordan in this life.  Dolores O’Riordan was to me and many a bright light in a world gone mad.  I wonder if Dolores O’Riordan suffered in the way so many of us in Ireland suffered with toxic shame and other stigmas.  Today this write up is for men and women who suffered from childhood abuse including my own mother who was likely abused outside her home in Ireland.  This write up is for all Irish children and all children around the world who grew up in abusive homes.  This write up is for adults who were children who had hard lives and did not live to tell the tale.  This reflection is for our elderly generation who suffered horribly at the hands of vile abusers in Ireland in particular and around the world as children.  These elderly men and women to this day have been unable to speak about their sufferings as children.  This reflection is for you as well.  Dolores O’Riordan said it best in her song titled Zombie – yes Dolores O’Riordan “the violence causeth silence – who are we mistaken”  Yes we were mistaken and thought the war was over.  I am here to state the war is far from over the war was never over.  The war simply morphed and changed into other various diabolical forms.  That’s all very simple really yet so complex there are not enough libraries to hold the books describing the crimes done to the humanity of the Irish and children around the world not just Ireland.  This reflection is for all children systemically silenced and categorically ignored in a world gone mad and drunk on the blood if it’s iniquities.  I was once a child too and I was horribly abused.  Yet the abuse I suffered is nothing compared to the abuse many children today suffer from.  This reflection is for all children living and deceased who suffered and died from war crimes heinous abuse done on purpose to destroy these holy innocent children from the inside.  I say war crimes because child abuse is a war crime and pedophile child rape is most certainly a heinous act of war.  To betray the trust of a boy or a girl and rape these innocent children is the worst crime and this abuse of power and trust is an act of war.  Children are helpless and cannot speak for themselves.  Also children cannot possibly understand or process abuse done to them as children.  This explains why it takes years for children who become adults to process abuse.  I am 47 years old and I am still processing abuses I endured abuses I endured for years.  How I got better was through years of hard work including years of counseling and therapy and taking medicine as needed.  I finally learned how to cope which was the greatest gift I could receive.  How I wish Dolores O’Riordan could have received this great gift of learning how to cope.  The same for others who died too soon regardless of their state or walk in life.  My writing and singing is what keeps me going these hobbies and the important task of raising my own child whom I love very much.  The indifferences I have experienced and the hatred I have received for years now would reduce a lesser person to tears on a daily basis tears and potential suicidality.  By the grace of the God of life the God of my understanding my ability to cope is what sees me through.  I have a routine now and this is something my own beloved father who passed away always wanted me his daughter to have.  My father would tell me that I needed a routine for a long time.  Well to my father who is now deceased I can finally say “Dad I have a routine and I am doing very well these days.”  I am sad that my father cannot see me doing so well now.  This reflection is for both my parents too for my father who passed away and for my mother.  This reflection is also for my siblings I have seven siblings five brothers and two sisters.  I am not close to any of them.  I do not blame my family for this dysfunction I blame the source the years of systemic abuse that went on in Ireland which caused centuries of dysfunction so vast it would make your head spin.  It is remarkable my family did as well as they did all things considered.  I have a remarkable mother and while we are not close my mother is a good woman and I will go to my grave defending my mother’s good name even if my mother continues to bad mouth me her own daughter.  My mother does not know herself or understand herself or how or why she acts the way she does.  My mother has a desire to be good and to do good.  It is out of this desire that my mother prays ever day of her life.  I thank my mother for her prayers and I trust that my mother prays for all of her children myself included every day of her life.  It is sad that my mother is unable to see that I her daughter has gotten better and is doing better and that I have learned how to cope.  When I travel I do send my mother post cards from time to time.  I have found small ways to continue to honor my difficult mother and to defend her good name even if my own mother continues to say bad things about me her daughter.  Years of systemic abuse set up my mother to become an abusive type.  Because I am not a health care professional I cannot claim to know my mothers condition.  However, I can state that my mother shows signs and symptoms of a common mental health condition experienced by many in both her generation and our generation.  It is called narcissistic personality disorder and again because I am not a health care professional I make no claim this is her exact condition.  I can simply state as her daughter who lived with my mother for years and experienced her behavior first hand.  I can speak with the authority of a daughter who knows my own mother better than my own mother knows herself.  As the daughter of a narcissistic mother.  Nothing I could do was ever good enough.  Also forgiveness was not done or taught.  No amount of me saying sorry for a thing was ever good enough either.  With my mother there was no way I could win her affection or approval or love.  Nothing I did or did not do was good enough.  This devastated me  and set me up to fail as a young adult.  I had no idea how to find a husband or life partner a man who would be stable and commit to me and start a family with me.  I had no idea how to find this because I was not taught by either of my parents how to act or behave or to find a good partner.  All I got was ignored and verbal and physical abuse from both my parents.  My father was lovely but he was verbally and physically abusive as well.  I had to get his walking stick away from him to avoid being beaten by his walking stick.  I literally had to wrestle that thing out of his hands as a teenager set it aside till my father calmed down from his rants about how horrible mom was.  As a teenager all I got from my father was vitriolic complaints about my horrible nasty mother and beatings from his stick and verbal abuse that I was no good useless etc.  So my father was not so lovely either.  In abusive homes like ours we were all expected to act like everything was normal and status quo like this abuse was ok and normal.  My poor brothers would be fast asleep in their beds at night as young boys in their teenage years and my father would come home drunk and go into their bedrooms and beat my brothers with his walking stick and wake them up.  My poor brothers could be heard screaming and crying out of fear and confusion because they were woken up at night and beaten by their own father with his walking stick.  How the hell did my brothers have a chance to do well in life with this abuse going on in our home.  It’s no wonder that just as I became a compulsive gambler and went on a bad road with wrong men for a time that some of my brothers became alcoholics along the way as well.  Not one of us in our home had a snowballs chance in hell of growing up to be well rounded normal adults.  Not one of us had a normal childhood.  My mother had to deal with an alcoholic husband who neglected mom and the children emotionally and spiritually.  Yes we were very well fed and we had a roof over our heads that was where it ended.  We were all on our own otherwise and had no other adult who truly cared about our well being.  I wonder too if pedophiles outside our home not our parents mind you if these pedophiles molested my poor brothers as boys growing up in Ireland and also in the USA.  This thought has crossed my mind many times.  I may never know the answer to this as pedophile child molesters are experts at threatening the boys they abuse with heinous threats such as they will kill their whole family if they tell.  I wonder were my brothers accessed by pedophile child molesters in the Roman Catholic Church both in Ireland and in the USA and molested.  I make no claim this was done but I do have sound reasons to believe this was very possible.  After all it is now one in three boys in Ireland who risk being molested and in the USA it is now one in four boys.  Boys are at far greater risk for molestation than girls.  Though for girls it is one in four in Ireland and one in four in the USA.  This child abuse problem is pandemic.  Too many men today who were once boys are categorically ignored and systemically silenced about abuse they endured as boys.  This is not right and has to change.  Yes the violence of child abuses caused a defeaning silence and I say no more.  I hope more men will join the me too movement and say me too!!! me too!!! me too!!!.  Please join me in a moment of silence for my own family who suffered horribly and for all families around the world affected by both systemic abuse and pedophile child abuse…………. “The truth is still the truth even if it stutters” Akiane Kramarik age 7.  Systemic enforced silence is not ok forced silence was never ok and the pandemic silencing of innocent children by vile child pedohpiles was never ok and remains not ok.  Threatening a child or children with harm to their families if that child reports abuse is not only a criminal offense it is an act of war.  An act of war on the family a war that has gone on for centuries now.   The war never changed it just morphed into something more ugly something more vile.  The pandemic systemic abuse of holy innocent boys and girls so as to fill these children with fear for their own lives and the lives of their families.  That is war that is an act of war.  The “the violence causeth silence”  – Dolores O’Riordan this violence also caused silence in heaven a deafening silence in heaven.  Many forget that these children systemically destroyed who died too soon grew up in heaven. Where else would these children go?  Children are pure and innocent.  The only purity left in our corrupt world is the purity found in holy innocence found in children not in adults.  This reflection is written in honor of holy innocence.  May a loud cry be heard from heaven a clarion call from the wall of my tribe the tribe of Dan and the lost twelve tribes of Israel.  For those who study the scriptures my inspiration for making this statement comes from my own personal singing of sacred scriptures.  I sing the scriptures because truth and honesty is no longer possible to find in most adults these days.  I find my solution in the word of  God in the singing of sacred scriptures.  Heaven help us all particularly the lost.  I added a link from my you tube channel of my own original song inspired by sacred scriptures.  Titled Princes of Breifne in honor of the fallen in Ireland particularly my own tribe the tribe of Dan which includes the Princes of Breifne. I include two links one with my song and the other tune that I composed on the Tin Whistle or Penny Whistle in honor of my own beloved deceased father.  May he rest in peace…